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dreaming
Contributed by
Hakiokusaken
on
Friday, 6th August 2004 @ 04:08:18 AM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I said it once, I'll say it again
my love for you will never end
I gave you more than I can spend
but sadly enough you're just a friend
the slightest touch can rid a frown
finally, my love has just been found
I had these chains tightly bound
but you picked me up when I was down
It's like your perfect, or so it seems
Until I wake up from this dream
Copyright ©
Hakiokusaken
... [
2004-08-06 04:08:18]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: dreaming
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Friday, 6th August 2004 @ 04:41:09 AM AEST
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a Message)
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very nice...you are awakened to love.
keep writing on...venkat
. |
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Re: dreaming
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Friday, 6th August 2004 @ 05:02:18 AM AEST
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a Message)
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For one thing, you don't need to apologize when a poem is short.
As a matter of fact, experienced poets realize the value of being
concise. Unfortunately, our school system has conditioned us to
think that padding our writing is a good thing.
Think back to how your teacher, or your professor proposed a writing
assignment. "Give me a 2000 word essay on, "Shakespeare and his
Contemporaries" or some such.
So, off we go to write our assignment, assiduously counting words with
scarce consideration for content. This encourages padding our work so
that we don't get docked points for handing in an essay that's too short.
Thus, most of us go through life thinking that over-blown writing carries
more weight than simple concise writing.
Have you ever read Shelley's, "Ozymandias"?
I met a traveler from an antique land,
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains, Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
Now that sucker hums!
He tells a complete story in fourteen lines! Not a wasted word.
Notwithstanding the common your in lieu of you're; the missing contraction,
your poem has the double attributes of clarity and conciseness.
Nice work!
Stoney |
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Re: dreaming
(User Rating: 1 )
by inoc on
Friday, 6th August 2004 @ 06:52:37 AM AEST
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a Message)
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sweet dreams
not bad! |
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Re: dreaming
(User Rating: 1 )
by Bruce on
Thursday, 12th August 2004 @ 02:20:11 AM AEST
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| excellent |
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Re: dreaming
(User Rating: 1 )
by corrupted_minds on
Tuesday, 17th August 2004 @ 06:04:52 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i hate to say i know the feeling, good work you got the emotion across just fine
corrupted_minds |
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Re: dreaming
(User Rating: 1 )
by catz77 on
Friday, 4th February 2005 @ 01:16:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
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nice write
comment my poems
or give me advice |
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