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Killer
Contributed by
Daniella
on
Saturday, 24th July 2004 @ 11:13:46 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
It purges on the soul
Trampling it under foot
I took a walk to escape the rain
It doesn't taste as sweet as it should
It settles on the heart
Talons claw it violently
I cover my ears to drown out the thunder
Broken Silently
It stops the stream of red
And suffocates me so
I shield my eyes to the lightening
A guiding light I used to know
It eats me deep inside
And the life that I used to know
It anchors down the floating hope
And replaces it with burning sorrow
So in the end it comes to this
A bitter blackened dove
You left me one goodbye kiss
Oh how it kills...this thing called Love
Copyright ©
Daniella
... [
2004-07-24 23:13:46]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Killer
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vermillion on
Saturday, 24th July 2004 @ 11:31:24 PM AEST
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a Message)
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out-standing write with deep emotions.thanks for sharing
~vermillion~ |
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Re: Killer
(User Rating: 1 )
by PumpkinPie on
Saturday, 24th July 2004 @ 11:31:35 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Love well represented when a heartbreak happens,nice comparasion,I especially liked your 4th stanza,I found parts of myself inside your whole poem and I think everyone can.Nicely done,
PumpkinPie |
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Re: Killer
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Sunday, 25th July 2004 @ 12:20:27 AM AEST
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a Message)
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touching write
michelle |
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Re: Killer
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Sunday, 25th July 2004 @ 05:20:35 AM AEST
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a Message)
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This is a nice poem. Good work!
Here are a few suggestions which you
might consider:
It purges {-on} the soul
Trampling it under foot
I took a walk to escape the rain
It doesn't taste as sweet as it should
It settles on the heart
Talons claw it violently
I cover my ears to drown {-out} the thunder
{-Broken} {+Breaking} Silently
It stops the stream of red
And suffocates me so
I shield my eyes {-to} {+from} the lightening
A guiding light I used to know
It eats me deep inside
And the life {-that} I used to know
It anchors {-down} the floating hope
{-And} replac{+ing{-es} it with burning sorrow
So in the end it comes to this
A bitter blackened dove
You left me one goodbye kiss
Oh how it kills...this thing called Love
Removing those few superfluous words strengthens the poem, in my view.
What do you think?
Stoney
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