Here are a few things that I see with your poem
which you might want to re-think.

When you write poetry, you want to focus in on the
specific, and examine that emotion. Take it apart
and really examine it in minute detail.

You've elected to speak in the 3rd person. This tends
to be a passive voice; try speaking in the 1st person
for this type of poem as this is an active voice. and
more suitable for engaging your reader.

Try finding fresh ways of describing the emotions which
you are trying to convey. Use fresh sparkling metaphors
to pull the reader along with you on your journey of discovery.

Try to answer that question which lurks in the back of every
reader's mind, unarticulated, "Why should I read this?"

You won't always hit the mark with every poem, and you'll
never always hit the mark with every reader because each
of us has so many diverse interests and tastes. But,
you're more likely to hit the bullseye if you're least aiming at
the target.

I hope this helps you in some way.*g*

Stoney