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no longer
Contributed by
grip-wth-broken-fingers
on
Sunday, 4th July 2004 @ 09:16:30 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
this heart is growing thin
its getting harder and harder to breathe
holding back these tears
i will not let u see me cry
if your words were actions i,d be black and blue
if you cared then why did leave me lying numb that day
motionless mourning for you
i could take every ***** word i wanna say
and throw it in your face but would you even care ??
all those things you said you'd never turn ur back on me
but then you said you were leaving me that
day
all my childhood memories were stolen from me
and replaced with ugly memories
you lied
your fake
you always take
i thought i could trust you with my life
but you deprived me of the love i longed to have
you deprived me of the right to feel.
no emotions this body doesnt exist
to you i am no longer real.
Copyright ©
grip-wth-broken-fingers
... [
2004-07-04 09:16:30]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: no longer
(User Rating: 1 )
by pixie on
Sunday, 4th July 2004 @ 09:18:05 AM AEST
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a Message)
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very raw emotion used here..........great write,
pixie xx |
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Re: no longer
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Sunday, 4th July 2004 @ 12:48:43 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Like many internet users, you're getting seduced into using
short forms for some words. i.e. u for you and ur for your
Use them here in the cyber world, and you'll end up using
them in the r/t world and what does that say to a prospective
employer?
This is an excellent line:if your words were actions i,d be
black and blue, but prefer a capital when using i as a
personal pronoun, and an apostrophe instead of a comma.
For the most part, prefer the active voice rather than the passive.
Instead of:all my childhood memories were stolen from me and
replaced with ugly memories.
You stole all my childhood memories and you replaced
them with nothing but ugly ones.
With a little bit of punching and poking, you'll have yourself a
nice little poem here.*g*
Stoney
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