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My relapsing suicide
Contributed by
Living_In_My_Dream
on
Saturday, 3rd July 2004 @ 10:19:25 PM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
You don’t see the pain I endure
And sometimes I wonder if you care
The hurt I feel, I wish you would cure
The thing I do, to make it not so bad
Lasts not nearly long enough
And when it’s over, all it’s done is left me sad.
Cause as the blood flows, and the wound pains
The hurt in my heart is not there
But I cry just as before because I now ill do this again
The Hurt always returns, the knife always sharp
The blood will always flow
And my wrists forever scarred.
Copyright ©
Living_In_My_Dream
... [
2004-07-03 22:19:25]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: My relapsing suicide
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Saturday, 3rd July 2004 @ 10:50:38 PM AEST
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a Message)
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so moving, really touches me, hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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Re: My relapsing suicide
(User Rating: 1 )
by veruca on
Sunday, 4th July 2004 @ 12:00:44 AM AEST
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a Message)
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This write touched me...I liked it a lot.
I know what your gonig through and I give you my best whishes for things to get better.
love ya,
veruca |
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Re: My relapsing suicide
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stoney1 on
Sunday, 4th July 2004 @ 12:54:10 AM AEST
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a Message)
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You've maintained the discipline of the 3-line format, so that 's good.
The rhyme scheme is all over the place. For example, each final
word in the 1st stanza rhymes, but in the 2nd stanza you
switch to only ryhming the last word in the 1st and 3rd lines.
Same with the 3rd and 4th stanzas.
I'd change the 2nd line in the 1st stanza so that all stanzas conform.
There are also some syntax problems.
The 1st and 3rd lines in the 3rd stanza are awkward and
could use a re-write.
As for the content; I hope this is just an exercise in writing
a poem about suicide and not an actual life experience.
People who repeatedly try to off themselves will generally
succeed... eventually.
For people who actually are suicidal, just remember this:
Life is short, and your're dead a long time.
Stoney
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