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between this city skyline
Contributed by
deadreckoning1983
on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 05:23:07 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
Your eys followed me out the door,
and your vioce rang out on the edge of town.
Between this concrete city skyline
I watched the sun die,
swallowed up in the traffic.
I left to die with the sun,
to be forgotten.
To fade away into the evening dew,
into the shadows,
and into the wind.
Copyright ©
deadreckoning1983
... [
2004-06-08 17:23:07]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: between this city skyline
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 05:26:07 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I guess you have not had me comment on your poetry yet. This is a very good poem and it has form. I guess you are going through lonlely times too. |
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Re: between this city skyline
(User Rating: 1 )
by xxbreathlessx on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 05:46:07 PM AEST
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| i looved it! short and sweet! i luv tht its not traditional, tht u made it free form, u did an awesome job i luv the way u described things greeeat joB! |
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Re: between this city skyline
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 11:07:28 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Yes, you have a way with words, your language carries unique images. I would not be so quick to assume we could not see and enjoy that, sometimes people(me) get trapped in form and rhythym to the detriment of the work. |
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Re: between this city skyline
(User Rating: 1 )
by bj111 on
Friday, 2nd July 2004 @ 10:07:50 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
I am aware there are rules imagined for poetry. Please, break 'em all. Make up ur own rules.
If ur unaccustomed to writing in this way, you'll find it's even more challenging. (BTW, this was well done..a good and moody piece and reads well aloud. Good pace. You might try nmore in this form.)
The only comment I'd make is to choose ur words carefully. If u don't need a word...toss it...whatever it is. Keep writing...bob |
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Re: between this city skyline
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ethereal_Engine on
Saturday, 14th August 2004 @ 08:29:15 PM AEST
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| Very nice poem...I like how you described the sun dieing. It makes the sun more organic and alive. I also like how you used all the nature imagry which gives the peom a fantastical tone that you dont get very often in poems, its very unique. Thanks for your comment on ways of the water. |
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Re: between this city skyline
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Friday, 31st October 2014 @ 09:35:55 AM AEST
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I am not worthy of your current adoration, but a thousand thank you's just the same... Since you frightened me by reading some (awful) old writes of mine, I thought I'd return the favour. :)
First, congrats on the smirk-inducing author's note at the top. Way to announce yourself right off the hop! Hehehe. Free form or not, this is highly readable 10 years later, so that is something. Talk about setting a tone with highly visual words!
Wonderful.
~Scorp |
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