How Can I?
Contributed by
calista
on
Monday, 7th June 2004 @ 10:29:47 PM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
How Can I?
April 3, 2004
When you ask why I hold it back,
How can I answer to that?
For years I have kept it inside,
How can I not live this life?
I simply need time to return,
I thought I was on my way to recovery,
I thought I was going to learn.
With five minutes you tore all that down.
The efforts I try to create,
Are hard and take time to feel,
Today I thought I was there,
Today I thought I made progress,
Today you explained my fear.
Everything I was proud I had done,
So little, a step you would have missed,
A step that for me took two months,
I climbed, it was hard, but I did.
You didn't see it, it just went and hid.
A needle in a haystack for you,
Unnoticed, so small,
Was my all.
And then you say,
I need to be more okay,
And my one little needle,
Gets lost in the hay.
And it took so long, so long,
To find the needle, to find the hay,
To find the way, to have the day,
When I could even see it,
And you don't even believe in it.
When you ask why I don't talk about my friends,
How can I explain to you,
What that means to me?
How can I let you know,
There are no friends to see.
At school I am alone,
Not one person can I call a friend of my own.
How can I make you see,
I spend my lunches in the library?
Wednesdays the library is closed,
So I wander through the halls likes rows.
Thinking to myself somehting is not right,
Why do I live with this life?
Don't you know it is hard for me to say,
To myself, in my head,
Let alone, to you?
And you ask why I keep it inside.
Because that's the only place I can hide.
I'm ashamed of myself, it's digusting.
How can I tell you,
Without combusting?
You ask who just called my cell,
And I slip it in my pocket,
I don't tell.
I assume you'll think it was someone,
When I slip it into my pocket,
I know that it was no one.
A reminder I set for myself,
For 3:00 to remember a line,
And I let you believe someone called,
Because then you might believe,
I have someone to talk to.
I haven't seen the best friend I've got,
In two years...and I know it is not...
I convince myself I am her good friend,
Knowing, but ignoring, she has more.
If I went away, she'd have more.
And she is all I have got.
And she doesn't know I let myself rot.
You ask if I have a boyfriend,
I leave your question unanswered.
To say that I do is a lie,
To say that I don't means I cry.
I don't cry for the loss of a male,
I cry because if you don't have a friend,
You can't have a boyfriend then.
Sooner or later I know,
Someone will ask who my friends are,
And I will have nowhere to go.
How can I explain to you,
The reason I keep everything inside,
Is because there is nothing at all,
To hide?
So now you know my life,
At school I avoid seeing my brother's friends,
So they can't tell him they saw me alone.
I avoid walking past one place too many times,
For I fear someone will notice I have nowhere to go,
No one to see,
Nowhere to be.
No friends at school at all,
No mom to comfort my fall.
No conscience to reassure me,
All I have left is nothing.
So I turn to my writing,
I turn to myself,
And how can I show you,
Why I don't speak of my thoughts?
How can I show you,
I'm crying at this moment,
Because I know this is not me,
So why do I feel the need,
To explain to you what I see?
Copyright ©
calista
... [
2004-06-07 22:29:47]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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