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Ticket to Nowhere
Contributed by
Vitreous_Soul
on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 05:31:20 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
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Flick'ring lamppost, beacon guides
Lonely steps on tenantless eve
Such quiescence , life elides
In shadows' cloak to seek reprieve
Midnight tolls, he waits alone
Faint breath escapes in plumes of white
Starlight stroll, swart path is sown
His track's laid out in brumal night
It's four past twelve, dare he forget
Frightened eyes gaze nighttide's vignette
It's five past twelve, clock hands offset
Vision catches train's silhouette
Thus his present future is met
A mantra true he can't forget
"Boundless journey, wayward soul
Seeks his nowhere destination
Burning engine, faded thole
Shackled spirit's transmigration"
Banshee wail, wheels grind to halt
'Midst scattered sparks, door screeches wide
Turbine winds to soft tumult
Without a thought he walks inside
Mind entranced, shocked eyes discern
Nine passengers of lucid skin
All withdrawn, each taciturn
All that's heard is a violin
Decrepit man, as withered elm
He guides this tour to Hades' realm
Turbulent fear to overwhelm
Gaze Charon's image at the helm
Engine burns with no direction
Faceless face casts no reflection
Just one stride, decision made
Relinquished his benevolence
Price is high, the fare is paid
Soul gives way to malevolence
Blinding speed, inauspicious
Languid rag to be thrown and tossed
Savage ride, so pernicious
In moment's time the track is lost
Rods of ruined, rusted steel failed
Weak bodies; momentum assailed
Destiny's odyssey derailed
'Pon screws of fate, a soul impaled
Twisted iron, last stop is reached
The still of night by wreckage breached
Door opens slow, with one last spark
Reaper awaits...
Now disembark
Copyright ©
Vitreous_Soul
... [
2004-06-05 05:31:20]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 06:33:33 AM AEST
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Exquisite write..fantastic imagery....superb quality..I enjoyed the entire poem..yet I would like to specially mention this line which reminded me of the lines of Shelly in his "ode to west wind" even though the tone is entirely different: "Destiny's odyssey derailed 'Pon screws of fate, a soul impaled"
venkat
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by wray on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 06:35:33 AM AEST
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God. What a finale.
You've got a true storyteller's voice in this piece, it's awesome. Well-phrased, tale-worthy movement of images... I'm jealous! You even manage to make bring the cliched ghost train/Grim Reaper suggestions back to life.
My only hiccup was the line:
All that's heard is a violin
Feels like maybe there should be some description to go with this violin? On its own "a violin" sounds very inanimate.
Other than that, well done! Don't lose the italics for anything :) |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 07:42:35 AM AEST
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Well, the violin may not fit, but I found that incidental within the flow of the overall piece. I love the variant personas of death as used in a journey through life - and the train wreck was assuredly spectacular in its exposition of the journey to destination Death.
You have such a knack for powerful and memorable finales!
This is yet another scintillating read, V.S.
Thanks for writing it. |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Archie on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 08:39:48 AM AEST
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| Your view of death is very amusing. |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by thumper on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 08:52:54 AM AEST
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Definately a captivating read! For some reason it brought up the image of Blaine the Train from Stephen King. Much darker and deeper that S.K. "Price is high, the fare is paid Soul gives way to malevolence" We all pay in the end for our transgressions. And what a price! I liked/expected the ending. Excellent!
Thumps ; 0 ) |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by brigitte7735 on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 10:02:00 AM AEST
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This peice is so rich in mood and atmosphere, death taking a form and personality unto itself, much like in " The Seventh Seal".
The artistry of this is so perfection to me.
On a sidenote, the violin does have a meaning and a symbolism specific to it...and i must say it fits masterfully.
Love,
Vanessa
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Rakerman1999 on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 10:09:17 AM AEST
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( sits with stunned look on my face)
A simply amazing write my friend. You truly are a gifted writer.
Very well done
Barkeeper!!!!!
Larry |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by LittleWillow on
Saturday, 5th June 2004 @ 06:53:20 PM AEST
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| It's obvious that you read from THE great poets of all time. Your writing is spectacular. But, you know that! ;) |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Eve on
Monday, 7th June 2004 @ 01:59:10 PM AEST
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Ah, but the violin does fit... perfectly, in fact.
Your writing ability, VS, just shoots up sky's length with every piece you write. I'm starting to wonder if you know limits.
...I doubt it. =D
Tragic, twisting, tenacious, - and all on the soul - this has all.
Nothing less than astounding.
Keep writing or experience a rather unfortunate meeting with a guillotine,
-Eve. |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 06:26:38 AM AEST
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Fascinating, chilling, intriguing....I could go on. You've done it again, my friend.
Stitch |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Silent-No-More on
Tuesday, 8th June 2004 @ 10:59:45 AM AEST
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Everytime I read your work - I feel like pulling all my writes from the site... the comparison is hideous. This one is, of course, a worthy addition to your incredible library.
I'll weigh in on the violin as well... I must admit I paused at the line... got passed it, but paused nonetheless. For me, it wasn't the inclusion of the violin itself but the leading "All that's..." that I struggled with a bit. It just seemed, somehow, lacking your usual flare.
And... "disembark" is absolute perfection in a last word on this piece. Conjuring up "disengaged" and "disembodied" and the like... "dis" is an amazing write for any number of reasons! As always - powerful, profound, perfection! |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by lovingcritters on
Wednesday, 9th June 2004 @ 07:38:15 AM AEST
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WOW DAN THE MAN
This was truly great........I had goosebumps and couldn't wait until the end......so had to read it first. I do that with books!
The last line..........Now disembark!
Fantastic...........just so like you
thank you for sharing
this very gifted write
love
consue |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by STRaNGe_LiNDSeY on
Friday, 11th June 2004 @ 04:28:02 AM AEST
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Wow... Dan, Great write. Kept me on the edge of my seat from start to finish. Loved the line,
"Faceless faces cast no reflection".... awesome.
Lindsey |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by forever_lonely on
Sunday, 13th June 2004 @ 02:43:49 PM AEST
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My friend, my dear dear friend, though my Participation has been lacking of late, due to reasons that you know of, which has made it hard for me for a while to really think straight, i wish for you to know that every write that you ever produce will always been burned within my soul and become a fire within me keeping me warm when i feel my talent would fade, you were the reason i continued to write you are the reason i do continue some times you are amazing, and this most beautifully morbid write, as always my friend your talent shines through in the most darkest light, everything about this write is what one would call priceless, a van gogh, amazing, you never cease to amaze me my friend and this write does more than amaze, it fills me with inspiration to write, thankyou my friend, thankyou so very much
Luke |
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Re: Ticket to Nowhere
(User Rating: 1 )
by Black13 on
Monday, 14th June 2004 @ 01:27:24 PM AEST
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What a ride Dan.
Guess I've neglected commenting and reading all of your poems long enough. Heh.
This was a really good write. Very descriptive and powerful. Dunno if I fully understood it but it was really good.
Sorry for the short comments but off to catchup a bit more.
Oh yeah, Congrats man. :D |
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