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Ramblings of a Mad Man (Revised)
Contributed by
boricuacd
on
Monday, 31st May 2004 @ 06:55:43 AM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
Who knew, that your shows
of sanity and pain,
would create such chaos.
Knowing,
what I know now,
wounds my pride.
Playing the field,
running the game, hammering down,
who cares?
Come, run around,
skip about, and play
'till your hearts content!
Don't tell me what to do!
don't whisper for all to hear!
keep it to yourself and leave me alone.
I don’t care about your problems.
I don’t care about your needs.
I have my own.
Where was she
when I needed love?
all that time alone...
Everything isn’t as it seems.
Why not cry and pray
over all those broken dreams.
Help me!
I'm trapped! There’s no way out!
Help me!
I'm drowning
and I don't know where to go!
Are you there?!
Copyright ©
boricuacd
... [
2004-05-31 06:55:43]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Ramblings of a Mad Man (Revised)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Broken_Skin on
Monday, 31st May 2004 @ 09:04:59 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
| Deep write, a cry from a far. x |
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Re: Ramblings of a Mad Man (Revised)
(User Rating: 1 )
by oldernotwiser on
Tuesday, 1st June 2004 @ 10:30:57 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
| It's interesting. Very difficult to tell how many "players" we are talking about here. Is the she the speaker addresses the same as the you he addresses? Are they different women? How many? Are they merely speakers inside the writer's head? This could be clarified a bit to improve the poem. And although you might want to remain vague about what exactly has wounded your speaker's pride -- I think the poem would be less frustrating for the reader if you revealed a bit more about this. Much improved poem. Keep at it. Writing always helps one feel less trapped doesn't it? |
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Re: Ramblings of a Mad Man (Revised)
(User Rating: 1 )
by adanawa on
Tuesday, 1st June 2004 @ 04:53:36 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Rambling--very good I like it---> |
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