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happiness
Contributed by
Kusum
on
Sunday, 16th May 2004 @ 05:04:45 AM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
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I asked all, I asked them, him and her
I went anywhere and everywhere
What happiness is, what it is all about
I did all my best to find it out
He said he was the one of the wealthiest
With money, had collected all assets
But thinking about true happiness
He said nothing but felt only emptiness
She always smiled and she looked never sad
She might have the answer, I was sure she had
But she said she had spent her life looking for it
Had always failed and could never get an inch of it.
They all say happiness is hard to explore
Once you acquire it, you want it more
But you cannot always be sad and gloomy
Therefore you should pretend to be happy
But I am sick and tired of grieves and regrets
I want to be happy but without pretends
I want to find happiness and its way
Somebody please help me clear my dismay.
Copyright ©
Kusum
... [
2004-05-16 05:04:45]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: happiness
(User Rating: 0 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 16th May 2004 @ 05:32:20 AM AEST
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a Message)
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First Poem sure turned out to be nice.. Good going.. looking foward to see more..
The_Poet |
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Re: happiness
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 16th May 2004 @ 08:26:55 AM AEST
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I'll assume you mean your first ever poem. If it is, thanks for sharing it with us here at YPDC.
Ok. Your structure shows promise,as I appreciate the use of three perspectives, throughout three respective stanzas, with a defined introduction and a conclusion about the subject matter: emotion of happiness.
Emotions are difficult to explain, and you tackle this very subject well, what with the theme and content actually being about the ambiguity and evasiveness of true happiness itself.
I also appreciate your requirement to make it rhyme, as my preference is towards poems that rhyme. There are a few negative points, but these are merely concerned with spelling and grammatical errors that can be easily corrected.
One such point I could make, would be where you use 'pretends' against 'regrets' in the last stanza. I would change this to use 'pretence' against 'regret', as it keeps the same meaning, but rhymes and flows better.
Anyway - this is an encouraging start.
Keep writing. |
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Re: happiness
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Sunday, 16th May 2004 @ 11:17:53 AM AEST
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beautifully written, we all search for happiness, i believe that those who truely know happiness must have had suffering in their lives; for there would be no other way to recognize it otherwise, warm welcome to ypdc, hugs n' love nessa
@->>->:- |
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