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I am fool!

Contributed by Dorrie on Tuesday, 4th May 2004 @ 08:01:14 PM in AEST
Topic: dedicatedpoems

I am a fool.
I lost her over you.
I let a guy come between us, what am I to do?
I am a fool but I love you.
I love you more than the sunshine,rain or even the world.
My sky is dark without you and it's even hard to breathe.

I want to make everything better for you and chase the mosters away.
But untill that special day i'll be here like a fool for you.
I love you with all the love in heart and wish that you'd forgive me.
I'll be here for forever and forever till the end.

Copyright © Dorrie ... [ 2004-05-04 20:01:14]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: I am fool! (User Rating: 1 )
by boricuacd on Thursday, 27th May 2004 @ 05:31:12 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I think this is great. I think you should revise it a little. Look for grammar and repetition. The repetition of "i" I think is good and gives the poem character. There seems to be a small problem with the flow of the poem. At first it seems to rhyme and then you go away from it. You should committ to one or the other for sake of readability and flow. Overall, I enjoyed it a lot. Keep writing.

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