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Freedom
Contributed by
Hurretje
on
Wednesday, 7th April 2004 @ 05:42:28 AM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Lost paradise
Silken…soft beyond bearing…
Delectation shorn of its sense
No longer here
Stretches…marble…vast…empty…fulfilled…blinding
Peaks…ivory…
Penetrating the immaculate sky
No longer there
Why did you leave?
Why did I let you?
Your love
Swooned stoic…melted icequeen
Long gone
You’re beautiful
How light is a black hole?
Achromatic rainbow
Why did I leave?
Why did you let me?
Freedom
Unselfishness
Sacrifice
Untied bonds
My own way
At last
Free choice
Independence. Mine
…so alone…shining star…
no reflection
Self realization. I fought for it
…so lost…piercing scream…
no echo
Why do you let me
Why do you leave me
On this wandering world..?
Copyright ©
Hurretje
... [
2004-04-07 05:42:28]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Freedom
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jellybellyprincess on
Wednesday, 7th April 2004 @ 09:50:52 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I love some of the one-liners in there. Like "melted icequeen" and "peaks.... ivory"
Once you gained freedom in the poem you saw its beauty ("free choice"), but just after you saw its downfall ("so alone") which I thought was a nice bit of writing.
One thing I might say would be to, instead of using an elipsis (....), you might want to try using line breaks, or whatever. Elipsis always make my mind wander, and I think that's a main purpose of them in writing. Without them you could get your point across easier.
But oh, I enjoyed reading this. I like it's absraction. Very nice =)
Hoping for brighter days and better luck ; )
God bless,
Ellen |
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Re: Freedom
(User Rating: 1 )
by arden on
Wednesday, 7th April 2004 @ 11:38:57 AM AEST
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a Message)
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i love how you write. its just so awesome. this was sooo good. wonderfully done. keep it up.
Arden |
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Re: Freedom
(User Rating: 1 )
by corrupted_minds on
Thursday, 8th April 2004 @ 01:36:03 AM AEST
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All good welldone nice write. I like how you've given the short and sharp form of poem with parts such as " Unselfishness, Sacrifice, Untied bonds " very straight forward. Keep it up.
Woei Queen
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Re: Freedom
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cynthia on
Friday, 16th April 2004 @ 05:20:58 AM AEST
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| WOW! I love how you wrote this. Makes a person think. Excellent job. Very well done. *S* Cynthia |
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Re: Freedom
(User Rating: 1 )
by bernard on
Monday, 26th April 2004 @ 09:43:43 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Your poem is an excellent way of writing. I like the way you have broken the poem into subtitles. Great write.
bernard. |
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