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Fear's Paradise
Contributed by
alecfernadez
on
Tuesday, 6th April 2004 @ 12:22:40 PM in AEST
Topic:
psychoticpoems
|
Jaded existance of my Conscience
Mind transcending into darkness
Awareness of change is subject to change
Thoughts drift through early spring rain
My dead mind is breaking to the insane
I know I cant make it to my dreams,
I know I cant stop the penetrating screams,
I cant stop what comes from behind,
Stabbed in the back by loss of innocence,
Irony is increasing my pain's circumference
Not everyone's floating in darkness,
Jaded thoughts of my conscience,
Bleeding into your open arms,
Falling through the gates of life,
Right through my fear's paradise
Copyright ©
alecfernadez
... [
2004-04-06 12:22:40]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Fear's Paradise
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 6th April 2004 @ 12:51:08 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Very poetically put! This one is one that leaves you wanting to read again and again!
Great job!
Angel always...godspeed...joni |
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Re: Fear's Paradise
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Tuesday, 6th April 2004 @ 05:51:14 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Finally, a chance to get really critical. Too bad I downed so much white, or I could be nastier. OK, don't repeat words---especially in the same line "change." Your mind is either dead or insane. It can't be both. Second stanza is pretty good, except that you know the second line is completely gratutitous. "Pain's circumference"? Circumference? Get real. OK, there's jaded again in the last para. Get a thesaurus. The third and fourth line are good, but I think you wimped out at the end. Is that dissing enough.
Stitch
PS Seriously, you do have potential. |
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