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Voices
Contributed by
JadedExistence
on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 10:04:06 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Blood flowing on the floor
People screaming, running out the door
Shots are fired and people die
Someone finished with all the lies
Voices whispering in his head
Won't stop 'till everyone is dead
Pulls the trigger over and over again
He'd do anything to stop the pain
Outside, police lights flashing
Inside, broken bodies thrashing
It's over, blood all around
Bullet casings cover the ground
Looking around, the voices disappeared
Seeing the blood, his mind is cleared
Placing the gun against his head
Pulls the trigger, thinking of the blood he shed
Copyright ©
JadedExistence
... [
2004-04-04 10:04:06]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by gothicangel on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 10:11:54 AM AEST
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| Nice poem! I think you can do it better if you change some thing.. but it is a great start! keep it comming=) |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 10:18:43 AM AEST
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| this is really good. i do like it a lot, so sad and angry...phil xxx |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by Kie on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 11:00:40 AM AEST
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| I thought it was perfect. I read it twice and I couldn't find anything I thought needed changed. My opinion of course. Dark and powerful and I enjoyed it immensely. Kie |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 12:12:25 PM AEST
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Since you made comment that you're going to change the poem, I'd invert the first two lines of every stanza, and invert the last two lines in the first three stanzas. The reason would be to create an inside-his-head to outside-effect parallel (vice outside-to-inside parallel it has now), and because it would a cause and effect approach instead of an effect and cause approach.
Just thoughts...the lines seem excellently worded to me, and the poem stands well just as it is...it doesn't seem to really "need" changing. The only reason I'm suggesting changes is because you said you were going to change it.--as is, I feel it's an excellent read. |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by freddiem on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 12:41:37 PM AEST
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why say probably fix it and repost later.
Your thoughts are your own, save them. |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by Justalady on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 01:51:18 PM AEST
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| Indeed dark and tragic.. not a pleasurable read but sometimes life isn't either. |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on
Sunday, 4th April 2004 @ 09:11:01 PM AEST
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'Not very good'??? How can u say that this is awesome sure maybe it could be better and more introspective (I think thats the write word), but this is definitely something I would classify as good. I like the image of the broken bodies thrashing... it made me laugh for some disturbed reason.
Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by arden on
Monday, 5th April 2004 @ 09:21:26 PM AEST
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ohhhh this was so awesome!
really dark and chilling and just great. loved how you make it all flow so nicely. just a truely great write. love it.
Arden
ps. thank you so very much for mentioning me in the great poets forum. |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Tuesday, 6th April 2004 @ 02:08:08 AM AEST
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| Ooh..really dark and chilling..voices bled and ended into silence..Good. venkat |
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Re: Voices
(User Rating: 1 )
by afraid_of_fear on
Tuesday, 6th April 2004 @ 02:54:09 PM AEST
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this is really good.. i guess its up to you whether u want to "fix it" at some point, but i think its fine as it is! I loved these lines best:
"Looking around, the voices disappeared
Seeing the blood, his mind is cleared"
great stuff!
charlotte x_x_x
ps thank you soo much for mentioning me in the Great Poets forum, it was sweet, thanks.. :) |
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