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16 to 8 to 4 to 2
Contributed by
TheSchroedmeister
on
Thursday, 26th February 2004 @ 03:13:40 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
Seven years on a morning drive,
Ninety miles round-trip,
Thirteen hours of his day he spent
Throwing coal on the fire
He never asked for more than this,
Coffee for the drive,
Jargon on the radio,
And a team to call his own,
Only break time
And lunchtime
And alone time
And his time
Grant him the solace he knows
In a jungle of stone,
Wild and overgrown,
Where minutes are seconds,
And naivity unknown,
Our subject sits
Beaten and alone,
Yearning for freedom,
Yearning for home
Between keystrokes
And phone calls
And meetings not few,
His mind goes where
Sixteen lanes become
Four lanes become
two,
And a family awaits
Where chaos abates,
Where he might find pity
From his plight in the cold city
With all things now said,
And most work now done,
He finally leaves
To his home in the sun
And matching the pace
Of the world he now leaves
He speeds from this place
But why must he speed?
Too bad for him,
Too bad indeed,
To bad for him,
This cog in the machine
Down where sixteen lanes
Become four lanes
Become two,
A steel behemoth stole his life,
When home was in plain view
For those crimes, Suburbia wept
Copyright ©
TheSchroedmeister
... [
2004-02-26 15:13:40]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: 16 to 8 to 4 to 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by Remy on
Thursday, 26th February 2004 @ 03:19:09 PM AEST
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Deep, contemplative, interesting... really good writing!! Lovely stuff you wrote here! ;0)
~Remy~ |
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Re: 16 to 8 to 4 to 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 26th February 2004 @ 05:01:18 PM AEST
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Good use of words a very good write.
wildejohnny |
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Re: 16 to 8 to 4 to 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 26th February 2004 @ 05:16:53 PM AEST
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An intriguing title always will have me reading (what I hope to be) intriguing poems. This isn't the only superlative i'd use to describe this, however - let's try out 'fluently written' and 'poignantly plotted', as they sound just about right to me.
Why must he speed, indeed? |
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Re: 16 to 8 to 4 to 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by a_bear on
Thursday, 26th February 2004 @ 11:27:10 PM AEST
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Well, I never have anything critical to say about your poetry. Someday I hope to find a book in Barnes & Noble and I'll be standing in line waiting in line for you to sign it...just hope you remember a_bear... I have a feeling the time's not far away. I'm going to the bogus convention in Orlando on the 5th...hoping to meet a publisher or something. Even knowing this stuff is bogus, it never hurts to network..(I hope LOL) show my work...read it before a crowd...let them throw eggs. LOL
Find out If I'm really bad....know once and for all...sigh. |
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Re: 16 to 8 to 4 to 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by Stitch on
Thursday, 4th March 2004 @ 11:43:54 PM AEST
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Really nice stuff. One line stuck out:
From his plight in the cold city
I might change it to
From this cold, ugly city
Just thought that might help with the flow in that one spot.
Stitch
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Re: 16 to 8 to 4 to 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by xSlashXPrettyXSkinx on
Saturday, 15th May 2004 @ 04:59:34 PM AEST
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What I would give for one day in your head. You seem to be spilling over with deep, intriguing ideas. I could see the highway, I could see the lanes... But thats not enough for me, I wanna see what you witness as you write these masterpieces. Now, this is pure perfection. A write so damned good, I dont know where to begin.
Lindsey |
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