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A flicker of her eyes

Contributed by kieran on Saturday, 14th February 2004 @ 06:26:31 PM in AEST
Topic: LovePoetry

The flicker of her eyes
A sublime sign
Twitch of her mouth
A pit of despair

From peak to valley
Plunge and rise
Light to dark
Dark to light
Every feeling
One
Moment of time

Dare to look
See the signs
From crushed to
Crushing
Heart flayed
Then enflamed

The flicker of her eyes
A sublime sign
The sign to you
Twitch of her mouth
Sign of doubt

Copyright © kieran ... [ 2004-02-14 18:26:31]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: A flicker of her eyes (User Rating: 1 )
by Percy on Saturday, 14th February 2004 @ 08:28:16 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Oh!! A request for critical analysis -- my specialty! People otherwise take it too personally too often.

In specifics, the "Light to dark" immediately followed by the inverse didn't flow well. Maybe change one of those to something more metaphorical, so that you can keep the meaning but also have a nice poetic structure.

The addition of "The sign to you..." which changes the last stanza as compared to the first might do well with more emphasis. You might achieve this with some punctuation. It can also be done by isolating the line(s), but I think in this case you can intensify some parts of the whole piece with some commas, stops, or dashing.

Overall good job, and nice to see someone who wants commentary for improvement :-) Hope this was well-received, and look forward to more of your work.

-Percy

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