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Fear Floats
Contributed by
Suz
on
Wednesday, 11th February 2004 @ 09:16:40 PM in AEST
Topic:
MiscPoems
|
fear floats at the back of my throat
panic rises in time with my heartbeat
everything with you is so simple and sweet
but something you said
your words that i read makes
fear float at the back of my throat
and the panic is rising in time with my heartbeat...
Copyright ©
Suz
... [
2004-02-11 21:16:40]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Fear Floats
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 11th February 2004 @ 09:47:16 PM AEST
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a Message)
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"your words that i read makes
fear float at the back of my throat
and the panic is rising in time with my heartbeat..."
I like this poem, it starts of with a great cadence but maybe the last might be better as "your words that I read made
fear float at the back of my throat
and panic rise in time with my heartbeat..."
Just a suggestion to slow it back down and not leave a feeling of unfinished. You have real talent. Rita
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Re: Fear Floats
(User Rating: 1 )
by Avarice_Riot on
Wednesday, 11th February 2004 @ 11:32:45 PM AEST
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| I like your description of panic, how it slowly builds up to a climax...only...where's the climax? It seems to be unfinished, like Rita said. Perhaps you could write a longer, more complete version to give it some closure? Just my humble opinion. |
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