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Willow Shade
Contributed by
SerfSnake
on
Monday, 2nd February 2004 @ 08:31:49 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I swear
she could light a cigarette in the rain
and suspend me from the sacred chains
of a sky amoung char
the river swells
near the citrus groves
sleep in warm grass
on the cool earth
when you walk away
it's alright to stare
but I cannot wait for you to return
the dog days
under the willow shade
taste your sweat
live for your laugh
more than lust
less than love
my pillow smelled like you
for a week
after that first night
Copyright ©
SerfSnake
... [
2004-02-02 20:31:49]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Willow Shade
(User Rating: 1 )
by Valerie_Pearson on
Monday, 2nd February 2004 @ 09:27:54 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Welcome to our site, and with such a powerful write too, thanks for sharing, take care Val |
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Re: Willow Shade
(User Rating: 1 )
by PumpkinPie on
Monday, 2nd February 2004 @ 09:36:54 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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This is a really different love piece,I especially liked "I swear
she could light a cigarette in the rain
and suspend me from the sacred chains
of a sky amoung char
the river swells
near the citrus groves",yeah I know it's practically everything you've written(:))and I must say I enjoyed reading it,very well done and welcome to the site !
PumpkinPie |
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Re: Willow Shade
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 3rd February 2004 @ 01:00:39 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
You hooked me in with the fantastic first two lines--but didn't set the hook. The changing from talking to me (describing her as she...) then talking to her (then saying to her "you"...) took away from the wonderful descriptive tone you set early in the poem.
Pick a perspective early in the poem, then consider sticking to it. Talking to "me" or talking to "her" would have worked well--ya' just needed to pick a direction. |
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Re: Willow Shade
(User Rating: 1 )
by MissMandy on
Tuesday, 15th January 2008 @ 06:45:03 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
passionate write.
i hope it turns to true love. |
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