there i sat pitched past pain of grief one hundred laughs just
made me colder as the sun streamed into my room from
curtains of my life and shone upon antiques as i decided to
jump off the ben franklin bridge,

i knew this was the thing i wanted for the heart was broken
and i did not have a heart anymore so i sat, as often i have
since, and contemplated my entire life, and wondered why
he had died and left me,

this day was different from any other i have ever known and
made annoying people come to my door who came and came
some more to hear the words from my own lips about what i
knew, because a neighbor heard about it from my child's lips
upon the stoop and told all she knew about how it had come
to me, fluttering, whatever it be,

as i and it made a lasting impression, for as i sat there in my
room, all alone planning my death wanting so to end it all and
never face another day of pain, tears and sorrow it came to
me like a bird, with encompassing wings, and held me until i
felt peaceful, for how long i know not, and by the end of that
long day filled with grief, sorrow and loss i knew somewhere
deep inside that i had to remain on this earth for there was
something i yet had to do and was needed by whom i didn't
know or why,

at the time of this event i was spellbound and eventually
came back to myself and got up from the beautiful antique
chair i had sat in to put on make-up for the day i had to face
that was to be my last, i called downstairs to my children's
sitter i had hired for this day and said could you come here a
minute i think i heard something, she said, okay, i looked at
the urn that held my husbands ashes and thought about his
laughing eyes and warm smile, and then she came into my
room, she stopped and looked around most curiously and
then said to me, i hear wings, big wings, when did you get
a bird? i didn't know you had a bird, i said, i don't, she said
oh my god, hello david, looking straight at the urn and then
she fled down the stairs,

so then the aggravation was put into the map of my life and
i went along my day and thought about it all and heard the
wings in my mind, felt them around my heart and something
whispering softly in back of my mind and by the end of the
day felt life just might be worth living again, the ben franklin
no longer held its appeal, where would i have parked the car
anyway? so, of course i had to stick around long enough to
analyze all these things,

i decided although i did not believe these things that it was
maybe an angel with big wings or the christ who had come
to me, but more so i believed it was my loving deceased,
granted permission from the land beyond of nowhere to
visit me one last time {but it wasn't really his last} because
he said he would prove to me there was life after life, and
the indian in him had always made me wonder,

so many people came to my house after that i had to turn
them away because the story about my experience then
bored me and i had other and more interesting things to do
then serve lemonade to strangers with a thousand questions
taking notes with pleas to visit churches i did not wish to be
a part of, making my throat dry from speaking and i liked
taking walks through graveyards looking at trees, sky,
spending time with my kiddlings, dog, and writing poetry,

so then one day many later, i decided to go to the pow wow
{this after me sitting for long hours on the whispering benches
crying my eyes out in my sad hearts grief} and whilst there the
shaman i did not know saw me at the dance of the dead in his
soul and called for me to come talk with him in his teepee, by
way of messenger who led me to it standing tall and huge in
the summer sunshine,

for that time and in many days after this i tried to figure out
how it was he knew me so well, i had not spoken a word to
anyone there, he knew my heart, soul and mind better than
me, showed me kindness, told me things that astounded me;
yet to this very day, ...they gave me two bearclaws that day
blessed for protection of me and my children as we walked
the earth alone without their father, sacred sage and also
extra sage that i still have with me in a pouch and can burn
if ever i need to, when i came home that day i went up to
the hall on top of the steps, i hung the bearclaws i was given
and other indian gifts and things i had bought on my wall, and
stood there and looked at them, i felt the spirit of the bear as
i stood there, someone, a girl named agnes, came into my
house to see how i was and heard a low growl and then left
the house, saying it was just too weird and i remember
laughing as i heard the front door close,

so, in closing this writing of my life's memories and experiences,
i will say i know in my heart there are many things in this world
and the next one i did not know about before i opened myself
to them and that they are indeed, quite real and beautiful, and
i reflect once again on my life, not presently pitched by pain of
grief, laughter gives me a warm smile today deep within' my
heart and once again the sun is streaming into my room
...moments in time.

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Copyright © ladyfawn ... [ 2004-01-20 15:23:02]
(Date/Time posted on site)