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When I Found You
Contributed by
carebear
on
Wednesday, 14th January 2004 @ 03:41:58 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
It's late at night when I think of you,
My world somehow isn't as blue,
You found away in to my heart,
Something new is about to start.
When I see your smile,
It gives me faith,
When you speak my name,
I get weak all over.
Your eyes are magic,
Putting me in your trance,your spell
Your voice so sexy,tender and sweet
Sending chills from my head to my feet.
I want to feel your arms around me,
When I touch your body hard and safe,
Beneath your shirt I'll feel your heart race,
The look of passion on your face.
Lacing our fingsers we reach our highest peek,
We find this love togehter as one,
With every inch of truth told,
I found the love I was looking for,
The day you walked in to my life,
I found so much more.
© Care Strom "2004"
Copyright ©
carebear
... [
2004-01-14 15:41:58]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Necromant on
Wednesday, 14th January 2004 @ 03:47:14 PM AEST
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Awww so sweet, romantic and passionate!
Beautiful writing you have talent!
Anne :n) |
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by dudleysgirl on
Wednesday, 14th January 2004 @ 04:41:21 PM AEST
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So very sweet and romantic! If your Joel doesn't like this, then I would venture to say he hasn't a romantic bone in his body. lol. But I think you should do this as prose poetry and skip the rhyme. Some of it is rhyming, some is not; and that seems to detract from the beauty and flow of ideas here. At least to me. If you were to rewrite and try to rhyme everything, it would come off sounding forced. Thus my suggestion to make it prose poetry. Such lovely ideas and tremendous feelings!! :) Love that! Anyway, at least go back and correct spelling, etc. [ Ex: L3 - 'a way into'; L17 - fingers; L18 - together]. Also if you don't try to rhyme this, the words will flow in natural rhythm. Just something to think about, and only this reader's opinion. In general, I think it's very good. Joel should be very happy!! :)
Judy
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by jeanie on
Wednesday, 14th January 2004 @ 05:29:50 PM AEST
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not a bad one, indeed :D:D
I hope for you that guy will read this ;) :D
jeanie |
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by afraid_of_fear on
Monday, 19th January 2004 @ 07:24:55 PM AEST
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This is so beautiful.. joel is a lucky guy.. i know he'll love this..
x_x_x |
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cobalt on
Tuesday, 27th January 2004 @ 02:49:04 PM AEST
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| I still don't understand what dudleysgirl is talking about. In fact one more comment like that and she will have confused me completely. This was a very very good write. I enjoyed it alot. Good job. Very romantic. |
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fionndruinne on
Tuesday, 2nd March 2004 @ 03:12:19 AM AEST
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I too think this very good as is. As for D's ideas, I think, you might want to look into an ABAB rhyme scheme, rather than AABB. As in; line 1 rhymes with line 3, line 2 with line 4. AABB (line 1 with line 2, 3 with 4) in the English language has been so often used as nursery rhyme and doggerel that some feel it has lost some of it's power. But ANY rhyme is good; so many folks these days ignore it completely. Not a criticism, just a pedantic technicality. This is an excellent poem, and very feeling.
Take care,
Andrew |
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Re: When I Found You
(User Rating: 1 )
by deadbloodyrose on
Monday, 21st June 2004 @ 05:32:51 PM AEST
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| very nice touching and romantic piece im sure joel loved it as much as i did.. AMI JO |
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