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Broken Promise

Contributed by estelle_toh on Wednesday, 14th January 2004 @ 12:10:39 PM in AEST
Topic: LostLove

With a blade,
Our names you carved on the tree.
Sweet promises of your undying love you made to me
Together forever you said we'll be
The tree has died,
Your love is gone.
Down come my tears,
Companion of my loneliness.

Copyright © estelle_toh ... [ 2004-01-14 12:10:39]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Broken Promise (User Rating: 1 )
by dudleysgirl on Wednesday, 14th January 2004 @ 01:37:34 PM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

I really like this heart-wrenching verse of love gone away. Very succinct and sad. Your ideas are good. I feel that it could be tightened up a bit, to bring the stark reality into better focus. ['Brokened' (in the title) is not a word. Maybe this is a typo, but should be 'Broken Promise'.] I'd like to see, perhaps, omitting the 'a' in the first line. To say 'With blade' as the opening gives a big punch. Also, just some minor suggestions (only my opinion): (1) make 'name' plural (names) in L2; (2) drop the 'your' in L3 and (3) make proimises singular (promise) . (4) The last 2 lines would sound better and be more in keeping with the overall effect if they were more terse, more to the point. Perhaps 'Tears rain down, Companion to my loneliness'. This is just a suggestion. You should try something of your own. Or not. I'm told most people here don't really want critique, just comments. But I have a hard time with that, especially when I read something (like this) that is basically very good, but could use some tweaking. Anyway, the verse is good, so I hope you aren't offended. And you can do, or not do, whatever you want with your work. Who am I to judge? I calls 'em as I sees 'em. :) I'm not trying to hurt feelings or make enemies.
Keep writing.
Judy

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