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Withdrawal
Contributed by
EternitysLyre
on
Monday, 29th December 2003 @ 09:19:13 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
He felt a flicker in his heart
As winds caressed the candle
He clutched his chest and gasped for hope
He struggled as he tumbled.
He knew not the source of pain
Discerning naught from vision
Hands clung to rail as he staggered down
And fought with fate's derision.
For all his gasps he'd found no air
Winds chilled him to the bone
For all his words he'd found no tongue
For he was all alone
The weak lips part in one last song
From childhood parade
He rasps and heaves for air enough
His final serenade
He knew his way to hell's domain
And danced with death on end
Yet finally his time had come
And took him in his bed
Pain wracked his nerves, his mind and soul
Pain tore him inside out
He writhed and screamed for all the world
Yet no one was about
He questioned his untimely death
And stumbled down the stairs
And when he finally made it down
The life's nolonger there.
Copyright ©
EternitysLyre
... [
2003-12-29 09:19:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Withdrawal
(User Rating: 1 )
by Vitreous_Soul on
Monday, 29th December 2003 @ 06:57:57 PM AEST
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a Message)
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It sounds to me about being lonely and dying in solitude, and feeling as if your death would make no difference. Just my interpretation, though. Excellent job, great visuals and word usage, very interesting read. The only thing that felt a little off was the first stanzas lack of rhyme, but that's just nit-picking. Great poem.
Truly,
-V.S.
BTW, is the guy in your poem having a heart attack? Kind of a bad way to go... |
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Re: Withdrawal
(User Rating: 1 )
by Wrybod on
Thursday, 1st January 2004 @ 04:00:11 AM AEST
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I wish all my poems were as good as this
bob |
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Re: Withdrawal
(User Rating: 1 )
by Cobalt on
Tuesday, 6th January 2004 @ 02:18:03 PM AEST
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Well. This was pretty good and surely told a story. It almost seemed like someone dying of a heart attack at first. Yet I must agree with V.S. it also had a ring of being alone and dying from loneliness. There is an odd sense of abandonment in it or so it would seem.
This right here was a deeply awesome stanza
'He knew his way to hell's domain
And danced with death on end
Yet finally his time had come
And took him in his bed'
It held a very interesting power. |
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Re: Withdrawal
(User Rating: 1 )
by venkat on
Thursday, 8th January 2004 @ 01:44:01 AM AEST
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| Well written.. it makes a strong impression on the mind of a reader.. venkat |
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