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Can't Speak (title needs help)
Contributed by
stalkee
on
Sunday, 21st December 2003 @ 03:44:07 PM in AEST
Topic:
SadPoetry
|
Here I am,
in this place again
And the same thing,
is happening
All I can speak,
are words that are weak
I used to know,
how to stay cool,
but right now all I know,
is how to act like a fool
Funny how I can't speak to you,
when I have the chance to
Funny how I have the chance to,
but I still can't speak to you
I wish I had a view,
about where I stand with you,
even though I have a clue,
I don't know what do
And I wish you knew,
what I'm going through,
with the things I feel for you,
I don't know what to do
Copyright ©
stalkee
... [
2003-12-21 15:44:07]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jellybellyprincess on
Sunday, 21st December 2003 @ 04:30:48 PM AEST
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Ugh, the feeling of total confusion..... awful....
your work just sings in this poem. I think the rhyme pattern works well here (I mean, if you're confused, what do you do? you start to repeat things a bit. so it would make sense to repeat the rhyme pattern...)
A job well done
God bless,
Ellen |
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by ShadowDaughter on
Sunday, 21st December 2003 @ 04:53:00 PM AEST
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Speaking of irony . . .
Ai yi yi, I almost always want to leave something constructive on poems but don't feel like I should. Now I have free reign to do so, and I can't think of anything worth criticizing!
Really, though, it's quite good. Possibly my favorite of yours.
Okay, something to say . . . um, the last stanza is a bit off rhyme-scheme-wise, like the last two lines. And you might wanna get rid of some of the commas in the first stanza. Sorry, that's all I can think of!
--Nora |
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Ilhar on
Sunday, 21st December 2003 @ 07:30:39 PM AEST
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I really have not read much of your work but I really like this one...you may want to work on your flow but even that is not bad..good job
Shari |
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Sunday, 21st December 2003 @ 11:28:50 PM AEST
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| as always a lovely heartfelt write, perhaps the title might be 'longing for you' anyway, write on:) hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by MoonlitAngel on
Monday, 22nd December 2003 @ 02:10:40 AM AEST
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All I can think of to critique is the rhyme scheme in the first stanza. Coz the first 2 lines don't rhyme with anything, and then you have 2 rhyming couplets, and then the last 4 lines go A-B-A-B. It's inconsistent. Other than that, it's great. The repetition works because it's throughout the poem. If it was only one stanza it would bother me, but it's not. Even though I was looking for something to critique as I was reading it, lol, I still enjoyed it artistically, so great job!
~ Moonlit |
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by secretwind on
Monday, 22nd December 2003 @ 04:12:46 AM AEST
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| THIS IS EXCELLENT....DO NOT CHANGE A THING. |
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Re: Can't Speak (title needs help)
(User Rating: 1 )
by CuttersAngel on
Tuesday, 23rd December 2003 @ 01:23:13 PM AEST
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| For the one negative comment I would have to say, change the second verse. The third and fourth line say the exact same thing as the first and second, just the words are moved. Perhaps your title could be A Place Not So Strange. I still think your poem was great though. Keep working on it and maybe you'll feel the same. |
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