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Time, Arrested
Contributed by
SensitiveSoAbused
on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 03:12:35 AM in AEST
Topic:
Suicide
|
I saw you
across the room...
I saw your lips,
curved,
peaked...
I saw your long, slender neck,
its smooth, soft skin...
I saw your small, curving figure...
I saw your black fishnets,
and your spikes...
but it was your eyes
that drew me in,
your beautiful, dark,
radiant eyes,
accented by
short, wavy,
raven hair.
And your style
Elegance, poise,
Perfect Elocution.
The way you spoke,
the words you used,
your intellectualism
thrilled me;
you were more
than just a pretty face...
Then, across the room,
your eyes met mine.
We met,
and when we talked
Time arrested...
You are what I have always wanted!
Finally, I have found you!
I saw myself in you,
And then I saw your boyfriend...
Copyright ©
SensitiveSoAbused
... [
2003-12-09 03:12:35]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by keilajo on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 04:44:01 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I like this alot!
I really like the part ....time arrested. Adds much to this poem!
Confused about one thing though? The last 2 lines...I saw myself in you, and then saw your boyfriend.
Is this saying I am your boyfriend? Or OMG look their is your boyfriend?
Very good poem! |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 04:51:58 AM AEST
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a Message)
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awww....such an emotional poem...its like being drawn in and in and in until the limax appears ...wow.breathtaking yet so sad
keep up the good work
it is greatly appreciated.
luv,
kaitie |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 04:56:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
|
The last line is what makes the whole thing enjoyably new and interesting.
Dark twists never fail to bring the smile to my face. If you're feeling this, I'm sorry. If you're writing out of amusement, this is one heck of an entertaining poem.
You might want to work on the fluidity (only as a helpful suggestion) as at times you cut a sentence and rather difficult spots, making the reader halt, and then have a bit of difficulty getting back on track. Try to put more straightforward logic in less stanzas, if it suits you.
"Redemption from hate is a cause with no hope; Reliving your dreams soon with Time you elope."
~Eternity's Lyre |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 05:10:15 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Good work!
peace, joy, luv,
emy |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 05:10:19 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Good work!
peace, joy, luv,
emy |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 05:10:22 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Good work!
peace, joy, luv,
emy |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by loopylou on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 08:29:19 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| i do think this is great every other thing i feel the need to say has already been spoken so ill just repeat wll done lol |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by MissLee on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 11:04:03 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| Awwww.....that was nice....good job |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by bobotheclown on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 12:09:09 PM AEST
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a Message)
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lol this was great... I loved it such a let down at the end totally harsh... Loved the imagery in this.
Bobo (Joel) |
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by secretwind on
Tuesday, 9th December 2003 @ 12:30:57 PM AEST
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a Message)
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HA HA GOOD TWIST.....THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING IN THE WAY IN EVERY GOOD ADVENTURE.
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Re: Time, Arrested
(User Rating: 1 )
by lostinmyself on
Thursday, 1st April 2004 @ 12:32:59 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| hey, it is kind of the same thing as what happened to me....except i didnt know he had a gf at first..oh well. one day we will find our. luv n hugs, phil xxx |
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