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No Longer A Child version 2
Contributed by
jacquelynne
on
Tuesday, 25th November 2003 @ 09:43:38 AM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
I cry these invisible tears
and even though you're near
I fear
you cannot hear
that my heart is pained
and I'm so ashamed
that things have changed
life is just not the same
because as I've grown older
my tears have had no comforting shoulder
so my agression is bolder
my heart is now colder
I am no longer a child
I have shed my simplicity while
I went through life's little trails
I've lost all innocence of a child
As a child when I cried
somebody always wiped the tears from my eyes
now, no matter how you try
your love cannot suffice
to stop my heart's bleeding
sooth the pain that is seething
and I know you don't see
that inside I am screaming
and I cannot shake
the fact that I faked
when I said my heart didn't break
and that I could take
the pain I was given
when I gave up my innocence
we all get that chance
cause childhood never lasts
Copyright ©
jacquelynne
... [
2003-11-25 09:43:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: No Longer A Child version 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by doug on
Wednesday, 26th November 2003 @ 02:43:49 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| a great poem , i liked it walk in peace and happiness your friend doug |
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Re: No Longer A Child version 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Saturday, 6th December 2003 @ 09:46:04 PM AEST
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| dearest jacquelynne, makes me think, so much truth here, its like the point where one can look back retro and 'see' again, touched me deep inside somewhere......... thankies:)hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: No Longer A Child version 2
(User Rating: 1 )
by EternitysLyre on
Sunday, 7th December 2003 @ 08:45:54 AM AEST
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I figured I'd drop by and leave what's coming to be known as the comment of doom. But anyway!
It's an idea I've written about myself. I quite like the poem, it possesses all the nostalgia and bottled-up self pity I feel for myself on a regular basis.
As a method of improvement:
1. Finesse. Your straightforward terminology doesn't make it any more powerful as it's a bit overused. Try to sound more elegant,or at least. You could also turn it into a rap song.
2. My eyes sort of lose themselves in the poem. Stanas! The last thing you want is a disoriented reader; for you, it won't make a difference, but others won't be able to appreciate it, and unless your main reason of posting is so that you don't lose them (like me), you should try to keep them more accessible.
Well, that's about all the bad things i can say about the poem. It's pretty good. I mean, the only poems i read that are better than the ones i comment on are all from Cora_Windover.
I hope I help you instead of discouraging you.
"One will find the finest cures are the hardest to endure, in bitter, vile spite."
The Palatine Poet. |
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