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idk i dont have a title
Contributed by
smackmeplz24
on
Monday, 26th August 2002 @ 07:35:58 PM in AEST
Topic:
AngryPoetry
|
From the shallow cloud you call my grave
I rise now to wash and shave
It takes me but an hour or two
Then everything comes to get me unglued
Can I win can I lose
Or should u toss me in the light
Im nothing but a creature a creature of fate
Im tossed in the winds but always too late
My luck will not change I will not win
Winning is for the cool
The ritcheous and brave
So will I keep losing
Shall I stay a slave
May long life and perseverience toss me into the circle
The circle of normality
The place of dreams
The place of my dreams
You own the circle you live without fear
Your life is protected sheltered and dear
Should I disrupt it with a clever plan of mine
Let killers and rapists loose to bring crime for all time
Now your life is like ours realitys a killer no time for your games its always a thriller
The adrenaline is pumping as you run from the real
Living in dreams so quiet and sereal
But then you wake up to discover your fate
A world controlled by me a world running rampant with hate
So you resort to the drugs another creation of mine
It substitutes your long lost circle that dream that was mine
You no longer live in a perfect world I brought u down from your sheltered existence
Now you live on the run running from time everythings subsistence
No extra no special pleasures you live like everyone else
Your bound to this earth with chains and teathers
No cool clothes no jackets made from fancy leathers
You did this to yourself u wouldn’t let me be apart
You squandered your popularity and kept everyone out
But now reality has kicked you filled your mind with distrust and doubt
I laugh as I see you shrivel and die youll suffer the fate just as I
your no longer special above me and true you’re a liar a cheater forever abused.
Copyright ©
smackmeplz24
... [
2002-08-26 19:35:58]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: idk i dont have a title
(User Rating: 1 )
by Lia on
Tuesday, 27th August 2002 @ 12:26:05 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| In the beginning of this..the concentration was held on you...midway through it switched to another person. Made it a tad bit hard to follow. Don't get me wrong..it's still good. If you don't normally write..you are on your way to being an awesome writer. I have read this poem a few times and it still finds a way to confuse me. I think it was the sudden switch is subject and content. To make it an easier read..I broke it into two parts. That helped a lot. Keep em coming!! |
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Re: idk i dont have a title
(User Rating: 1 )
by MisterRight on
Wednesday, 28th August 2002 @ 01:09:24 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I think this is very good and you have some creativity to release. I agree with Lisa that it was somewhat hard to follow at some points, but even in your description you said you kind of "pulled things from your head." Pulling stuff from our head is how we all write, but take the time to revise and rewrite and you could be writing some excellent poems. Seems to me you have a lot of potential. Keep it up! If you are serious about writing you found a great place to come for it. No one here will put you down, disuade you from writing, or belittle your work and if you ask for constructive criticism, most of us will be more than willing to give it.
Good luck to you and keep on writing!
Curtis |
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Re: idk i dont have a title
(User Rating: 0 )
by Former_Member on
Wednesday, 28th August 2002 @ 01:15:03 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| yeah that did get a bit confusing but it was still really good. yes, u do have good thoughts and u definatly could do some more things that r goo like that! keep up the good work...... ~ hehehehehe me stupid! |
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