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FOOLS GOLD!
Contributed by
robert_edgar_burns
on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 01:05:00 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
I only want what’s best for you,
And I thought that was in my arms.
I yielded everything it’s true,
But there’s something I didn’t do.
I only wish I knew just what
It was that kept us free.
What wind kept blowing us apart,
Keeping all your love from me.
I have traveled many miles.
Over obstacles I have climbed.
Just when I’m in arms reach of you,
It’s then that I get slimed.
My cares, my thoughts, my every breath,
Bore your name and picture there.
I always came to rescue you.
But when I need you, you are where?
Loves’ fire is growing very dim.
On the flame throw another log.
My arms grow weary of carrying them.
I’m not your slave or your servant dog!
I’ve chopped down trees to keep it lit.
Spilling blood and dams of sweat.
I haven’t seen a twig from you.
You haven’t fed it yet!
If this is all there is to love.
Where a man can work for years.
And never touch the priceless gem,
Who leaves him with only tears.
Then let that gem stay in it’s sheath.
May his eyes never more behold.
What treasure he once reveled in,
Be remembered as “Fools Gold!”
robertburns2@mac.com
Copyright ©
robert_edgar_burns
... [
2003-08-16 01:05:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: FOOLS GOLD!
(User Rating: 0 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 01:44:15 AM AEST
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| The beginning of the poem starts beautifully, but then in order to make it rhyme you use a word like slimmed. NEVER EVER do that, it takes away from the poem. All of the poems sentiments are lost in its trying to be rhymed. Instead, focus on the idea, make the audience feel what you are trying to make them feel, let them be wrapped up in a human truth, not in sloppy rhyming. Good ideas, but needs more work. Take 1 poem and work it to perfection. |
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Re: FOOLS GOLD!
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jilly on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 02:10:43 AM AEST
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| love the poem!!! sometimes there is just no better word than slimed... (crapped on, spewed on...) anyway, I know what you are saying!!! Great write.... ~Jilly |
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Re: FOOLS GOLD!
(User Rating: 1 )
by Jason_Robert_Britt on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 03:52:10 AM AEST
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| Wonderfully done. Don't listen to guest, the whole format of this piece was set to rhyme. Slimed is a word, descriptive and unique in it's own way, and happens to be properly used, grammatically speaking. Don't be afriad to go against the flow. This piece had imagination, feeling, and a purpose, and had an almost instant classic feel to it. You did well here. |
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Re: FOOLS GOLD!
(User Rating: 1 )
by DreamWeaver on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 09:08:50 AM AEST
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| This is an awesome write! In my humble opinion, I think the rhyming in this poem is what made it even better. The rhyme and meter was perfect. I think the last verse is excellent - a great ending to a great write... Jan |
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Re: FOOLS GOLD!
(User Rating: 1 )
by thelmalou on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 01:31:05 PM AEST
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| LOL, I have experienced a lot of Fools Gold in my life. Great piece. Thelma |
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Re: FOOLS GOLD!
(User Rating: 1 )
by Kindredblood_dragon on
Saturday, 16th August 2003 @ 10:10:57 PM AEST
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Excellently wriiten awesomely ryhmed Guest is must be the fool to not see the gold in this poem lol.
Has a well written story line to most peoples lives, wether good or bad we all experience it at some time in our lives.
Loved this poem well done. |
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