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Welcome !	Home · FAQ · Topics · Web Links · Your Account · Submit Poetry · Top 30 · OldSite Link	21-November 21:56:10 AEST

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Our Campus

Contributed by Wordsmith123 on Saturday, 9th May 2015 @ 08:29:38 PM in AEST
Topic: schoolproblems

Our campus with its hustling back
and forth, new age, cutting edge leaps and bounds for the masses.
Our students of one mind and many minds, all or nothing opened…
Take charge attitude unleashed on blank walls, all night.
Our body the future, striped and varied
over time, spitfire renegade picket signs
for peace. Our memorials erected, time tested
brick and solid brick, witness to the birth of triumphant
knowledge.

Late-night espresso knocked back over ever-present essays,
the whirring of life and blended drinks drowning out saddened
tap-tap-tapping, scrawling last-minute masterpieces.
Our homes: move-in-move-out mattress pad,
shower caddy, shower shoes, with long halls,
fire alarms. Our present unveiled,
declared procession of real-world, real-life
marching in line. Look back, four years
spread thin on too many days,
gone in a flash from our beautiful Vassar!

Copyright Â© Wordsmith123 ... [ 2015-05-09 20:29:38]
(Date/Time posted on site)

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Re: Our Campus (User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on Sunday, 10th May 2015 @ 08:52:59 AM AEST
(User Info | Send a Message)

Hi.

I read this twice to more fully absorb the essence of your impartation. I like this, and it reminds me well of college.

Two lines that grabbed me.
"scrawling last-minute masterpieces" This is just to cool for school. A line that speaks volume beyond it's seeming simplicity. Top notch!

"four years
spread thin on too many days,
gone in a flash from our beautiful Vassar!" Simply wonderful, and oh so evocative...poifect!

If I may suggest, though this is wonderful as it stands, perhaps a thoughtful assessment of the structure as relates to flow? The various aspects making up a poem, such as word and line placement, punctuation, rhythm, etc. all need careful review before clicking 'Okay'.

"Our campus with its hustling back and forth-
new age, cutting edge,
leaps and bounds for the masses."

I wonder how your profs would feel...probably shake their heads...I mean, you did go to Vassar, right?

"spread thin on too many days" Let me fix this for you..."spread thin on also many days". Oh, wait...how about this? "spread thin on to many days"...yes...that's it!

Very cool..very cool. And how fortunate to have attended Vassar...it's the epitome of eastern intellectual collegiate life and legend.

Invierno

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