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Blessings for the Good Home
Contributed by
spike
on
Saturday, 9th May 2015 @ 07:40:02 PM in AEST
Topic:
goodbyepoetry
|
it’s your day,
congratulations
four kids from seven
remain for celebrations
grandkids too,
good for you.
two son’s dead
the other dead to you,
good for you.
keep an eye on
dad, though
a bid handsy
with the girls,
likes to fondle the little pearls
but you know that too.
I know it’s your day,
but from the son
who went away
the sacrifice to the lie
the one dead to you,
happy Mother’s Day, adieu.
Copyright ©
spike
... [
2015-05-09 19:40:02]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Blessings for the Good Home
(User Rating: 1 )
by softerware on
Saturday, 9th May 2015 @ 10:31:34 PM AEST
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It's hard to walk away. Hard to forgive yourself. Hard to know if you were right..until later, when you finally know. As long as we are angry, it still matters to us. When apathy sets its velvet cloak over us, it is finished. We are free to be the person of our own design.
Happy son's day to you. Keep writing.
softerware |
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Re: Blessings for the Good Home
(User Rating: 1 )
by SuicidalSon on
Sunday, 10th May 2015 @ 01:06:00 AM AEST
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| That was awesome. I come from one screwed up family as well. Great write. |
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Re: Blessings for the Good Home
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Sunday, 10th May 2015 @ 08:32:12 AM AEST
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Very powerful piece here. A lot went into this...I feel for you. It seems you've borne your pain and escaped the tunnel. So did I.
A mother and progenitor are not mutually inclusive, as you demonstrate so well here.
If I may suggest a more thoughtful appraisal of punctuation placement. Punctuation is your friend, and can be used to create a mood or change the concept of a line or stanza.
I know it’s your day,
but from the son
who went away,
the sacrifice to the lie-
the one dead to you,
happy Mother’s Day...adieu.
I might add that as you reread, and the form and flow take shape in your mind, look for opportunities to trim the tree, so to speak. Every word should be vital to the body of the poem. Also, always give one final slow careful read to look for errors. What I like to do is read it looking JUST for punctuation, then JUST for spelling. For me, at least, when I focus on one aspect, my brain zeros in with a goal. If my brain tells the other part of my brain to look for flow, spelling, punctuation, rhythm and content all at the same time, invariably I miss something.
keep an eye on
dad, though-
so much attention
to the girls...
likes to fondle little pearls,
but I know you know that too.
You have done a most excellent job of painting a horrific scene with the brush of one once part of that scene, now removed and somewhat dispassionate, as only survivors that made it out whole can be.
Hat's off!
Invierno
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Re: Blessings for the Good Home
(User Rating: 1 )
by elle on
Sunday, 10th May 2015 @ 08:45:25 PM AEST
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| I hear the sound of my own heart beating & know & understand deeply that I am only a girl. . . Just a girl in this world. . . one like all of us, who by virtue of simply being, carry whatever weight we are appropriated. Did I mention, that as it settles, the burden & the beast ultimately become one, allowing us to simply be. But what have we become? That is the scariest question. Could it somehow, against all odds, be more than the sum of all the parts? (This is always my secret prayer.) Sometimes I feel burdened & Sometimes I feel burdensome. It just is. . . & so it is. |
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Re: Blessings for the Good Home
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Sunday, 10th May 2015 @ 11:07:35 PM AEST
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wow...............
hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: Blessings for the Good Home
(User Rating: 1 )
by ming on
Monday, 18th May 2015 @ 10:06:41 PM AEST
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| Painful in it's honesty and good tips from the other writer. You bleed ink for us all to read. Kudos' ming |
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