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paradox
Contributed by
mathieu
on
Sunday, 22nd March 2015 @ 03:15:29 AM in AEST
Topic:
LoveRemembered
|
YOU NEVER LEFT MYSIDE…
I’VE TALKED TO YOU FOR HOURS; WITHOUT ONE SPOKEN WORD,
IVE LISTENED TO YOU TALK; WHEN NO VOICE COULD BE HEARD.
EVERYDAY I WALK HALF EMPTY YOUR LOVE IS PYSICALLY MISSED
BUT EVERY NIGHT IM MORE THAN WHOLE MATHIEU AND TINKER COEXIST
I HOLD YOU EVERY NIGHT IN BED TO WAKE WITH EMPTY ARMS
EVERY A.M. YOUR TORN FROM ME BY THE SOUND OF WAKING ALARMS
YOU ROCK ME EVERY NIGHT TO SLEEP THO MY BODY STAYS IN PLACE,
I REMEMBER THE LOOK OF LOVE YOU PROMISE ROCKING FACE TO FACE.
AND EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN’T FELT MY LIPS, IN MY DREAMS THEY MET AND CLASP,
AND LAYING AT NIGHT LISTENING FOR YOUR SNORES, I REACH FOR YOU AND GRASP.
I LIGHT OUR CANDLES SO OUR SWADOWS CAN DANCE LIKE NOTHING BETWEEN US CHANGED
AND WHEN THEY TIRE THEY’LL INTERLOCK LIKE TINKER TOYS THOSE TIMES I WILL RECLAIM
I DREAM OF US GROWING OLD AND GRAY BUT YOUR TWENTIES HAVEN’T CAME,
WE’RE HOLDING A LITTLE TINKER BUT WE HAVE YET TO GIVE A NAME.
THROUGH OUR PLAYFUL LOVE ONCE MORE OUR PAST WILL BE OVERCAME
IN RESPECT TO THAT PAST SEARRA I SHOULDER ALL THE BLAME.
I PROMISE TO RESPECT THE EBBS AND FLOWS AND NEVER RUN AGAINST THE GRAIN,
ILL BE A SOURCE OF STREGTH FOR YOU, ONLY FOR YOU, THAT OTHERS CANT EXPLAIN
WE BOUND OUR LOVE TOGETHER ONLY NOW TO FIND IT UNLACED,
I STILL HAVE ONE CARD TO PLAY AND GODS GRANT ME WITH THE ACE.
I COULD SCOUR THE EARTH FOR BEAUTY AND LOVE AND NEVER FIND A BETER FACE,
IF I COULD HOLD YOU FOR ONE SECOND, ID KILL TIME, AND HAPPILY TAKE THE CASE.
BUT IF I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN IN THIS WORLD ILL WAIT AT HEAVEHS GATE,
AND BE FILLED WITH EGER ANTICIPATION ‘’MY TINKERS’’ WORTH THE WAIT.
ILL NEVER SAY ITS OVER CHANGE NEVER COMES TO LATE,
ILL NEVER SAY ITS OVER MY DREAMS FOR US ARE GREAT.
ILL NEVER SAY ITS OVER I KNOW OUR LOVE IS PAUSED IN PLACE,
THAT LITTLE VOICE DEEP WITHIN, THAT ONLY YOU HEAR, PLEADS MY CASE.
ILL NEVER SAY ITS OVER THE COSMOS CHOSE OUR FATE,
IT CAN NEVER BE OVER BECAUSE OUR SOULS WERE CHOSE TO MATE.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NEVER BECAUSE TOMORROW IS NEVER LATE,
AND AS SURE AS ILL SEE TOMORROW ILL OVERCOME MY PAST MISTAKES.
AND YOU’’LL NEVER HAVE TO WORRY IN OUR GROWTH THE PAIN WILL BE EREASED,
THE NEW BEGINNING WE'"LL UNDERTAKE WHEN IT’S YOUR RING FINGER I EMBRACE.
PLEASE WATCH FROM A SAFE DISTANCE WHILE I FIND MY BETTER MAN,
AND I KNOW THAT YOUR SOUL WILL FIND ME YOU’RE THE FLOWER IN DESSERT SAND
Copyright ©
mathieu
... [
2015-03-22 03:15:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: paradox
(User Rating: 1 )
by ladyfawn on
Sunday, 22nd March 2015 @ 11:14:00 AM AEST
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a sad and bittersweet write, heartfelt and true, excellent
imagery and rhyme, warm welcome to ypdc:)
hugs n' love nessa |
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Re: paradox
(User Rating: 1 )
by irisblue on
Sunday, 22nd March 2015 @ 02:19:54 PM AEST
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| well done. this is just a beautiful heartfelt poem. you express yourself wonderfully in this write. if this is your first poem it's amazing. |
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Re: paradox
(User Rating: 1 )
by Waynster on
Monday, 23rd March 2015 @ 03:45:03 AM AEST
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All I can say is I sincerely loved reading this poem! it brought tears to me as I read! As I was reading, I could see the words pulsate from the realism of your heart! This poem is amazing! It takes a lot to impress me, because I am a person locked inside! You definitely touched me with your words and that is powerful! Do you have any idea how powerful your words are?
Thanks for sharing.
Wayne |
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Re: paradox
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 23rd March 2015 @ 10:20:51 AM AEST
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Hi Mathieu and  to YPDC.
Seeing the author's note on your other poem, I am responding to that and surmising that you want opinions. So, with that, it may appear I am not being kind but that is not the case. I will not, however, be pretentious and may appear to be unkind. I mean no ill intent whatsoever. You did post publicly and appear to have a desire for opinions. I hope that is the case, no matter what the opinion may be.
First off, though, the most important thing here is did/does your girl friend think it sucks? That is the most important issue here and all other opinions really would not matter due to the personal nature of the poem.
So, does this suck? Hell no, it does not suck. From the heart it was written and the emotion is all there. Love poems have to be my favorite category of poetry, so I can't help but like this. It brings a smile to see such feelings displayed...especially to be shared with the world. That in itself is a bold and courageous statement. So you definitely get an “A” for that and for a first poem, you're off to a very good start.
However, (yeah there's always that but thing)  , I would like to make some suggestions and I know there are many of us here that split right down the middle on these opinions. Some think spelling, grammar, etc doesn't matter since you're writing from the heart. Maybe I'm the Simon Cowell of YPDC, and remember, I'm not trying to be mean because if I wanted to be mean, I could be. I am just being honest and it appears you want that since you asked for opinions...in a way.
The thing that struck me when I first read it was why all caps? If we let rules of the internet apply to things on the internet, then you yelled the entire poem. I personally think it makes it harder to read. First suggestion, get rid of the caps but remember this too, it's your poetry, write it how ever you want. Rules schmools, right?
Next, check your spelling and proof read. Better spelling makes the poem flow better. Words used correctly does not make the reader go “wait...what did he mean there?” I almost feel you want to do better by that considering the way it starts off. I always read my poems aloud a few times before I post them. Whatever works for you...if that's what you want. Also, spelling can be checked & corrected by mods but know this, they are not mind readers and don't always know what the author is trying to say. Or let someone else check it for you before posting.
There are many misspellings and typos in this. Some people have killed the apostrophe and that makes me sad but you obviously still want it and think it should live long a prosper. So I say, can't and cant are two different words, as are Id and I'd. So are I'll and ill. I'll be ill if I cant then I can't. Or is that....? Never mind. Hone your skills because you're already off to a good start.
Now lets go to forced rhyme. Some of this felt forced, so you could keep up the rhyme scheme. I have had many people over the years here ask me for advice for some odd reason. Since I am no expert (there aren't any here) I generally tell them the same thing and not to force anything. Let it come naturally. Now would you have really said “our past will be over came”? If so, then please disregard this. Maybe you really do naturally talk that way and I'm being an ass. But it seemed forced since it really should be “our past will be over come”....if anything. The whole line sorta stumbles in my opinion. When the poem got to there it seemed you struggled and made something up so it would rhyme. Just as it seem that way with the lines where you're writing about growing old and gray. My suggestion would either trash the lines all together or wait and write it better instead of forcing to get it done, or forcing so it will rhyme. Poetry does not have to rhyme!
But as for sentiments, it's great. I wish I had someone to grow old and gray with...and I am old and gray!
So, to sum it up, it obviously does not suck and can't suck but I'd bet you could do a lot better with effort. Opinions are simply that...opinions and are not facts.
I absolutely loved the flower in the desert bit, by the way.
Thank you and keepa writin'.
Godspeed,
Tim
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Re: paradox
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Monday, 23rd March 2015 @ 10:23:52 AM AEST
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Here is the rest of the comment. I don't know why it cannot be read:
Just as it seem that way with the lines where you're writing about growing old and gray. My suggestion would either trash the lines all together or wait and write it better instead of forcing to get it done, or forcing so it will rhyme. Poetry does not have to rhyme!
But as for sentiments, it's great. I wish I had someone to grow old and gray with...and I am old and gray!
So, to sum it up, it obviously does not suck and can't suck but I'd bet you could do a lot better with effort. Opinions are simply that...opinions and are not facts.
I absolutely loved the flower in the desert bit, by the way.
Thank you and keepa writin'.
Godspeed,
Tim |
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Re: paradox
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Tuesday, 24th March 2015 @ 02:17:58 AM AEST
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Very touching, powerful write;
Blessings,
emy |
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