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Mastication
Contributed by
deadreckoning1983
on
Saturday, 15th November 2014 @ 12:40:52 AM in AEST
Topic:
toughstuff
|
So sorry for the years
You patiently waited,
Letting me self destruct.
Rotting from the inside,
You never once conveyed,
The sympathy I craved.
You watched as I wasted away,
Like a carrion bird,
You circled me overhead.
Waiting for me to really be dead.
Catching wing on the winds of despair.
Clutching onto my words, they're nothing but air.
You cling to the visage of a carcass you once knew.
But even then I was to much man for you.
I spied your weakness as soon as we met.
Its kindness and compassion, you tend to forget.
That we are in this together.
We flock, you and I, birds of a feather.
The more you bite the more you'll devour
Until all that is left is the winds of my words.
You'll have nothing left, not even your power.
Copyright ©
deadreckoning1983
... [
2014-11-15 00:40:52]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Mastication
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Saturday, 15th November 2014 @ 07:24:06 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Really starts out very strong. I think you can do better developing the thought;
"So sorry for the years
You patiently waited,
Letting me self destruct.
Rotting from the inside,"
To me, this poem should grow from there. It seems to have much potential. I can say there is a shade, a flavour, of this going on new with my wife and I...not in the carrion way or anything so brutal as your poem...more of an 'Emily Dickinson' type loss.
Anyway, I like it a lot.
Invierno |
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Re: Mastication
(User Rating: 1 )
by FireStarter on
Saturday, 15th November 2014 @ 10:17:32 AM AEST
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| i really like your poem, its depressing and sad |
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Re: Mastication
(User Rating: 1 )
by softerware on
Sunday, 16th November 2014 @ 01:08:44 AM AEST
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Ouch! Stinging assault, your tale of..love?
"You cling to the visage of a carcass you once knew"..why do we cling so? You have set the table with many unanswered questions to put a fork to!
What is the attraction? "I spied your weakness as soon as we met" "We flock, you and I, birds of a feather". Why are we loath to abandon the nest of our own design? Why does it seem such a loss? We would do better to see it as recycling, but it would not lend itself as well to your endearing verse!
softerware
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Re: Mastication
(User Rating: 1 )
by hauntedscorp on
Monday, 17th November 2014 @ 12:40:35 PM AEST
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Not sure how I lucked out being mentioned, but I'll take it!
This is really packed full of emotion, and you wrote in such a visual way. Real strength of character shining through every word in this write. Well done.
~Scorp
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