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war witch
Contributed by
alicewhite
on
Sunday, 23rd March 2014 @ 03:53:14 PM in AEST
Topic:
mystical
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i wont be erased
I will escape through the keyhole
I shall learn to be graceful
I shall marry my soul to the beatle
will it hurt too much to breath
will I see just what you mean
will the jungle take on form
will it be concrete or plastic adorned
warfare warwitch
out of my eye
will I wanna get
slaine
Copyright ©
alicewhite
... [
2014-03-23 15:53:14]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: war witch
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Monday, 24th March 2014 @ 03:03:47 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like this, but (and not a criticism) I think you can develop this more fully. It has the bones of a great poem...just needs more meat.
Great job! |
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Re: war witch
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 29th March 2014 @ 09:23:38 PM AEST
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I would like to second invierno's comment regarding lengthening this out a bit, because he's very right in suggesting that it is quite good, and not too far off from brilliant, meaning,
so much is packed into it and it flows so well.
on a secondary note, sometimes it can be better to stop on a dime and lead the reader wondering...
there's all kinds of beetles, the Coleoptera is many, by far more species than in any other order, they constitute 25 % of all known animal life forms.
Then there is John, Paul, George and Ringo, in any order one likes.
You could escape if you tried to wing it, as they say, or you might just wish to only get slain in any form of war... same is me, as
you, like Tolstoy, but this reminds me more of Chekhov --- unrelated so, this thought of the play "The Seagull", this work maybe has a soul.
Also, this is a bit absurd yet true, it is like art history, the empire of old, where great castles slowly erode and nature takes over as it always will.
Sorry for the long comment, lot to think about here. you could, you alice could, go on and on with its wonderful form/ or you could leave it as is... all entirely up to you.
Peace!
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Re: war witch
(User Rating: 1 )
by ming on
Friday, 6th February 2015 @ 10:40:50 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I can follow. You are a breath of fresh.
ming |
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