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Your Born You Live You Die (Life)
Contributed by
TheDreamer
on
Tuesday, 9th October 2012 @ 08:02:36 PM in AEST
Topic:
Lifepoems
|
Your born, you live and then you die.
You love, you lust, they leave, you cry,
Hugs, kisses and lots of goodbyes,
Your born, you live and then you die.
You smile, you frown, you feel alive,
You'll win, you'll lose and you'll wish you tried,
You'll be early, you'll be late, you'll get there just on time,
Your born, you live and then you die.
It's his, it's hers, it's theirs and it's mine,
You'll be truthful, and loving, and you'll cheat and lie.
You'll ask when, where, how and why
Your born, you live and then you die.
Who is he, who is she, who are they, who am I?
Questions, answers, theories, lies,
These are all the life experiences you can't deny,
Your born, you live and then you die
TheDreamer, PLEASE: To help keep this site INTERACTIVE, please read and comment on at least 3 poems for each one you submit.
Please do not comment on your own work. If you wish to thank someone, you can send them a private message. Thank you.
Copyright ©
TheDreamer
... [
2012-10-09 20:02:36]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Your Born You Live You Die (Life)
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Tuesday, 9th October 2012 @ 09:52:35 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Nicely written verse.
Michelle |
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Re: Your Born You Live You Die (Life)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Invierno on
Monday, 7th July 2014 @ 07:38:31 AM AEST
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Hello Dreamer. It's taken me a little longer than I hoped to review your wonderful efforts. "Life is what happens to you while your making other plans", I heard that somewhere and never forgot it...so true it is.
You asked (and I praise you for the security of self) for me to give a critical eye to your poems. I shall do so here, on this comment section. Please let me know if in the future (for I intend to give them all a gander) if you want me to reply in the private message, or here.
Your born (You're - You are)
Get rid of most of the 'and' in here when you can do so.
Same for all the repeats. It has flow as you've written it, but (my feeling only, and please remember, poetry is subjective..what sounds good to me may not to you...ultimately it is YOUR opinion that matters and not mine. In the movie "Finding Forrester" (A HIGHLY recommended watch), Sean Connery says "First write for yourself, then write for them".
If I may do a few alteration/examples to illustrate my point:
"You smile, you frown, you feel alive,
You'll win, you'll lose and you'll wish you tried,
You'll be early, you'll be late, you'll get there just on time,
Your born, you live and then you die."
You smile, frown and feel alive;
You win, you lose and wish you’d tried,
You're early, late or just in time-
You're born, you live and then you die.
OR
"It's his, it's hers, it's theirs and it's mine,
You'll be truthful, and loving, and you'll cheat and lie.
You'll ask when, where, how and why
Your born, you live and then you die."
It's his, hers, theirs and mine-
You're truthful, loving, then cheat and lie-
You ask when, where, how and why?
You're born, you live and then you die.
OR
"Who is he, who is she, who are they, who am I?
Questions, answers, theories, lies,
These are all the life experiences you can't deny,
Your born, you live and then you die."
Who is he, her, or even I?
So many questions, theories, answers,...lies?
A part of life we can't deny....it's true, so true
We are born, we live and then we die.
For me, in my humble opinion, poetry is a box with a finite number of stones in it. From these stones (each a word, of course), one must fashion the idea in your head utilizing only what is in the box. Novelists have a much larger box to draw from...herein lies the art of poetry.
Overall, your concept is a wonderfully solid recitation of one of life’s many questions....I enjoyed it and thank you again for the humble honour of allowing me to review and critique.
Best to you, Dreamer. Keep Dreaming!
Invierno
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