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Dream It All Again
Contributed by
Kira-KILL-xx
on
Wednesday, 9th May 2012 @ 05:52:10 AM in AEST
Topic:
abstract
|
It was 1A.M when she stood in the doorway with a pistol aimed at my chest.
It was 1:01A.M when she pulled the trigger.
And I wonder why it took her 60 seconds to pull it.
Maybe she wanted me to suffer,
Didn't wanna do it, to walk away.
It was 2A.M when the cops arrived.
But she was far gone, into the night.
It was 2:30A.M when I 'died'.
Minutes later they told my family, who supposedly cried.
By 3A.M my body was sacrificed.
3:16A.M, I open my eyes.
It was 3:30A.M when I pulled the bullet straight outta my chest,
5A.M, I crawl back into my bed.
And I dream it all again,
And I dream it all again,
And I dream it all again.
It was 1A.M when she stood in the doorway.
With a pistol aimed straight at my chest.
It was 1:01A.M when she pulled the trigger.
And I swear I've been here before,
Yet I still find her incredibly charming.
Copyright ©
Kira-KILL-xx
... [
2012-05-09 05:52:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Dream It All Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by HaroldWilson on
Wednesday, 9th May 2012 @ 07:45:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Definitely a poem I'd say. I liked the narrative structure of it, and how the rhymes didn't stand out too much (which was due to your more 'broken-up' rhythm). I have made a few alterations to grammar, line structure and word choice, which can be seen in my version here:
It was 1 a.m. when she stood in the doorway
With a pistol aimed at my chest.
It was 1:01 a.m. when she pulled the trigger.
I wonder why it took her a minute.
Maybe she wanted me to suffer;
Or didn't wanna do it-
To walk away.
It was 2 a.m. when the cops arrived.
But she was far gone, into the night.
It was 2:30 a.m. when I 'died'.
Minutes later they told my family,
Who apparently cried.
By 3 a.m. my body was sacrificed.
3:16 a.m. - I open my eyes.
It was 3:30 a.m. when I pulled the bullet
Straight outta my chest;
5 a.m., I crawl back to my bed.
And I dream it all again, again, again.
It was 1 a.m. when she stood in the doorway
With a pistol aimed at my chest.
It was 1:01 a.m. when she pulled the trigger.
And I swear I've been here before,
Yet still I find her
Incredibly charming.
I don't really like the word 'incredibly' there, perhaps 'so, so charming' would be better, but I don't really like that either. Also, perhaps you don't need to put 'a.m.' after each time, because we kinda know it's a.m. by how you've written the poem.
But you've got plenty to build on. You understand clearly how to structure a poem, and how to deliver a narrative.
-Harold.
P.S. I've noticed that you tend to use a lot of short sentences, which creates the 'broken-up' rhythm I mentioned earlier. You may find that reading the poetry of Carl Sandburg may be very helpful to you, who employs a similar style in his own work.
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Re: Dream It All Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by cathartic on
Wednesday, 9th May 2012 @ 08:33:21 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Definitely a poem. And yes, I did enjoy it. |
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Re: Dream It All Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 10th May 2012 @ 02:06:35 AM AEST
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A very entertaining and intriguing write.
Poetry is musical and songs are poetry...kinda all melt together into this sea of creativity.
Just keep doing what you do. It's yours, after all, isn't it.
Thanks,
Tim |
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Re: Dream It All Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by thehotshotpoet on
Thursday, 10th May 2012 @ 10:55:46 AM AEST
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very good write thanks for sharing
the hot shot poet |
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Re: Dream It All Again
(User Rating: 1 )
by workinprogress on
Wednesday, 16th May 2012 @ 12:42:03 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| This is amazing! I think it can be both song and poem, your choice! |
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