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Between Fantasy and Sleep
Contributed by
i_see_herbert
on
Monday, 7th May 2012 @ 10:57:00 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Nothing but soft, simple words
In between fantasy and sleep
A universe lost in time
where children play and the gleam in your eyes
beams sunshine through the mist
of afternoon showers, so gentle and pure
thin raindrops drip from your cheek
and splash between the cracks
Bare feet glide through the tall grass --
a caress between your knees
they shake and quickly cave
as if a thousand tons of weight
And there we lie
submerged within the blades
and dream a thousand dreams, together
with no barriers between fantasy and sleep
Copyright ©
i_see_herbert
... [
2012-05-07 22:57:00]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Between Fantasy and Sleep
(User Rating: 1 )
by doug on
Tuesday, 8th May 2012 @ 07:42:29 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| The last stanza was awesome but what I really wanted to say was say something to her! Not a week from now or 3 days but the very next time you see her. I've kept sillent on many occasion only to find that that girl I was to afraid to talk to was waiting for me to talk to her and since I never did she left thinking I did'nt like her in that way. She's not a Terminator... not cold and beyond you.. she's looking for someone just like you are. I'll even give you the words so you won't have to struggle with them and never go forward. Just say... Hey , I like you and I mean as more than just a friend. Does'nt sound like much but if she likes you back then you won't need much. Worse that can happen is that she does'nt like you in that way...... if so then you are given back the time you would have wasted dreaming about her and you can use that time to find someone who is waiting for you. good luck , truly , doug |
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Re: Between Fantasy and Sleep
(User Rating: 1 )
by thezenmonkey on
Tuesday, 8th May 2012 @ 09:11:18 AM AEST
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Say something to her!
If she rejects you put it down to valuable experience.
Sometimes you have to crash the car to see how fast you can really go! |
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Re: Between Fantasy and Sleep
(User Rating: 1 )
by HaroldWilson on
Wednesday, 9th May 2012 @ 07:57:03 AM AEST
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For a fantasy poem, this isn't bad at all (poems of this type can tend to be full of clichés). I've made a few alterations to the structure and grammar, as well as altering the last line of the fourth stanza. Here is my revised version:
Nothing but soft, simple words
between fantasy and sleep.
A universe lost in time,
where children play
and the gleam in your eyes
beams sunshine through the mist
of afternoon showers, so gentle and pure
thin raindrops drip from your cheek
and splash between the cracks.
Bare feet glide through the tall grass --
a caress between your knees,
they shake and quickly cave
as if under a (place adjective here?) weight.
And there we lie
submerged within the blades
and dream a thousand dreams, together
with no barriers between
fantasy and sleep.
But like I said, not bad at all.
-Harold. |
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Re: Between Fantasy and Sleep
(User Rating: 1 )
by BagsFoSho on
Monday, 14th May 2012 @ 06:14:19 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Your description leading into the poem is the exact situation I am in. Spot on.
Very good work. Take the shot man! I'll do the same... |
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