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for a moment
Contributed by
twistedtaurus
on
Friday, 29th April 2011 @ 07:52:13 PM in AEST
Topic:
goodbyepoetry
|
Huh, I guess that's just the way it is
for a moment I had the world in my hands
that moment passed now their empty again
I had to try
had to walk the line
put myself out there
but it couldn't last the test of time
it's funny how everything changes
in the bat of an eye
that's how it happens when
feelings are faint
and words are fake
what do you make
out of these lines
I think
it was just my time
Adios mi Amor
Copyright ©
twistedtaurus
... [
2011-04-29 19:52:13]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: for a moment
(User Rating: 1 )
by emystar on
Friday, 29th April 2011 @ 08:07:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Welcome to YPDC.
Great writing.
Awesome for the first write.
blessings,
emy |
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Re: for a moment
(User Rating: 1 )
by hacktastic on
Saturday, 30th April 2011 @ 12:16:55 AM AEST
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You did a good job to convey the sentiment of love lost. Had the world, then it's gone. That is a painful thing to experience.
For the poem itself, there should be more structure. When you have rhythm and meter, it works on the unknowing reader. It is the melody, your words are the lyrics.
Here is a rough rewrite of your poem with those ideas in mind:
Huh, I guess that's the way it is
for a moment I had the world.
Now my hands are empty again
(add a fourth line)
Funny how everything changes
As quick as the bat of an eye.
I had to try, to walk the line,
but couldn't last the test of time.
when feelings are faint
and words are fake
what do you make
out of this - I think -
Adios mi Amor, it was my time.
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