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To Her
Contributed by
EdgarAllenPoe
on
Wednesday, 23rd February 2011 @ 10:57:54 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
I could look into your eyes forever and a day.
I want to be in your life, I'm here to stay.
I would give anything just to hear you say,
"Im yours, boyfriend, now take me away."
You dont understand how I feel about you,
If I was yours, then I'd always stay true
If you ever need help, I'll come to the rescue
Even when you dont believe it, I see your value.
One look at your smile and I want to sing,
Trust me this isnt just another fling.
To make you happy, Id do anything,
'Cause if I was with you, Id feel like a king.
Copyright ©
EdgarAllenPoe
... [
2011-02-23 22:57:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: To Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by xHeathenx on
Wednesday, 23rd February 2011 @ 11:13:03 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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Well your username alone, being that of a famous author who is presently dead, makes for some reason the poem feel stronger. How sad. I would like to offer some slight wording changes if you don't mind, just small little things that make the read flow a bit better to me.
"I want to be in your life, and be here to stay."
"If you ever need help, I'll be sure to come through"
(Only because it comes out as one syllable and seems to fit the rhyme better for me.)
"Even when you don't believe it, I cherish your value."
or
"Even if you don't know it, I cherish your value."
(You don't just see it, you hold on to that value.)
(I would also like to the fling line come before the sing line.)
"Because to be with you, is as to be a King."
(Something like that, it's not about feeling, it's about being. That's my opinion.)
Hope these alterations I offer sound great to you! Good luck :D |
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Re: To Her
(User Rating: 1 )
by Dirkj on
Wednesday, 23rd February 2011 @ 11:17:30 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Nice work, loved it |
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