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destroyed
Contributed by
xshelbyx
on
Tuesday, 28th September 2010 @ 06:17:14 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
~destroyed~
what we had, they call love.
what they call love, I destroyed.
I loved you, and you loved me
I doubted you and lost you
you moved on and I thought I did too
I saw you but you didn't see me
I realized my mistake, you have forgiven and forgot me...
you flirt with other girls as I die inside
I miss you and you don't see me
I still love you and you don't see it
you are gone and I am alone
what we had they call love
what they call love, I destroyed... and I am sorry
Copyright ©
xshelbyx
... [
2010-09-28 18:17:14]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: destroyed
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Tuesday, 28th September 2010 @ 09:08:00 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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First off, welcome to YPDC.
Second, don't take what I have to say personally, I'll try to ease into it, but I'm not all that great at it, and am sometimes seen as rude...so...
It's Destroyed. At the seventh line, it should be you have forgiven and forgotten me; however, there are a thousand better ways to say that, which brings me to my next point: you're not really thinking when you write.
You have enough raw emotion, which is good, but you need to balance the emotion with a consideration for the words. Don't just kick words around, no matter how simple they are. Allow the words to work for you.
It doesn't have to be perfect. We can't all know every rule of grammar. I break rules every day, or have to go look it up...or am like what the ****! It isn't always going to be good, or what you want. For every half way decent poem I've written I have a hundred worthless words.
Thing is, if you don't allow the words to present the the power they hold to the reader, it doesn't matter what you write or how much skill goes into it, the words will be nothing more than words.
In any case, keep writing. It'll come in time.
Always, Abraham |
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Re: destroyed
(User Rating: 1 )
by mvvenkataraman on
Saturday, 2nd October 2010 @ 10:18:31 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Dear respected xshelbyx,
Love is no doubt divine
But, pure love is a myth
We must have control
Over our emotions
We must force ourselves
To be honest and sincere
Chances to deviate
Are of course innumerable
Love a person truly
In case of any problem
Try your level best to solve
If it goes beyond rectification
Please start a new love
After proper clarification
Waste not life by worrying
Think of the next step
A nice write,
With best wishes, Thanking you, Yours truly,
M V VENKATARAMAN
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