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Only you
Contributed by
Daniellemarie
on
Saturday, 21st August 2010 @ 12:00:56 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
Im still thinking about you and your light ciggarettes.
You and your jameson on the rocks, drinking with
you on a tuesday night. I still can retrace your body
underneath my pool table that last night we made
love...with the lights on. It's your perfect face and
jaw line, with dark squinty eyes I see everytime
I close my eyes to dream. I remember you blue
car, and your over weight golden retriever.
You smelled like winter and tasted like
redemption. I always wondered what dark
thoughts were lurking in that head of yours
when you told me you did not love me,
when you lied right to my face. I still play
it all back in my head rewinding and fast-
fowarding, the little games we played.
I silently prey our paths will cross again,
for it was only you all along, my one true
real love.
Copyright ©
Daniellemarie
... [
2010-08-21 12:00:56]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Only you
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Saturday, 21st August 2010 @ 09:37:09 PM AEST
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a Message)
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I like it. A few little things I saw: Pray is the appropriate spelling for wishing/hoping/praying. Prey is what a hunter has.
In the line, I still can retrace your body
underneath my pool table that last night we made
love... I can still retrace your body might flow a little better.
Anyway, very good.
Keep writing
Always, Abraham |
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Re: Only you
(User Rating: 1 )
by kadie on
Sunday, 22nd August 2010 @ 03:54:11 PM AEST
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good poem
keep wirting |
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Re: Only you
(User Rating: 1 )
by thebadguy9999 on
Sunday, 22nd August 2010 @ 05:29:21 PM AEST
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| nice |
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Re: Only you
(User Rating: 1 )
by unknown_utopia on
Sunday, 22nd August 2010 @ 09:50:57 PM AEST
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rewinding and fast forwarding.....
love it. |
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Re: Only you
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mila on
Monday, 23rd August 2010 @ 03:50:51 AM AEST
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| i like your writing...nice :) |
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Re: Only you
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 28th August 2010 @ 09:42:21 AM AEST
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Love it. I have had an experience just like this once... and its perfectly articulated.
One thing though. In the very last line, instead of, "for it was only you all along, my one true
real love."
You should make it
for it was only you all along, my one true real
love.
Otherwise, excellent. |
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