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Her, the one?
Contributed by
Paddy
on
Thursday, 29th July 2010 @ 01:20:43 PM in AEST
Topic:
LostLove
|
In quiet solitude he pictures her face
An incessant longing, he wants to embrace
The touch of her fingers, her smell stays with him
The sound of her laughter, lifting within,
Those hours spent together, now memories to hold
If he’d shown more affection, if he were less cold..
Regret burdens his being, his love embedded on her,
Her warmth and love, a dreamland, a blur
He needs to go on, to learn from past mistakes,
When you love someone dearly, do all that it takes
Don’t leave it too late, fight tooth and nail,
Coz to be left without them is the ultimate fail.
Copyright ©
Paddy
... [
2010-07-29 13:20:43]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Her, the one?
(User Rating: 1 )
by JakerBaker88 on
Thursday, 29th July 2010 @ 08:20:26 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| I liked your word choice; every line was made vivid to the reader. However, I thought the last line needed some work. You weave all these lovely descriptive sentences only to end with, "Coz to be left withouth them is the ultimate fail." I think if you resubmitted this with a stronger ending it would make a difference. Either way, great job. |
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Re: Her, the one?
(User Rating: 1 )
by cashfan1 on
Friday, 30th July 2010 @ 01:47:48 AM AEST
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| I like the way this rhymes and flows, well expressed and well writen. |
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Re: Her, the one?
(User Rating: 1 )
by yvonxsmeets on
Saturday, 31st July 2010 @ 02:40:13 PM AEST
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a Message)
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there's a good rythem in this poem
i really like that
well done |
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