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An Hour We Can Stand Without
Contributed by
jmorrison94
on
Tuesday, 6th April 2010 @ 06:00:57 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Time is becoming shorter
Into a sweet thick honey
The sun is rising to slowly
And im becoming wearker sooner
The floating fire is out later
Now time seems to drag on
I can see the meadow longer
But it starts to set a blaze
Fire is growing stronger now
All because of an hour
The fireflies are never coming
For who could see them in the dead of noon?
Copyright ©
jmorrison94
... [
2010-04-06 18:00:57]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: An Hour We Can Stand Without
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on
Saturday, 10th April 2010 @ 03:18:48 AM AEST
(User
Info | Send
a Message)
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Some Feedback You Can Stand Without
I decided to write up my opinion here since you asked for feedback and haven't received any yet, so here goes. Let me start out by saying that in all honesty I'm not sure I understand this poem altogether. I suppose you might be talking about an hour of daylight savings time, though I don't particularly see where the fire comes in, and perhaps you didn't mean for it to be completely clear.
Not the most important thing but its worth noting that you had at least 2 typos in "the sun is rising (too) slowly" and "i'm becoming (weaker) sooner", I'm not sure if "a blaze" is intended to be "ablaze" or if that was simply a decision you made. In addition to this, your poem description appears to be cut off, so you might want to be a little more careful when you submit in the future.
I like some of the ideas I see here, though. Fireflies live very short lifespans and rely on being visible to find mates. This seems to frame an interesting perspective about the needless waste of one idle hour.
In terms of meter and poetic voice, it looks like you made some good decisions. I like how some of the lines become noticeably slow and drag along as you write "now time begins to drag on". I would criticize, however, that you seem to be holding on to an attachment to sentence structure that is typically reserved for prose. To me, differences in the connections between lines 1 and 2, for example, and lines 3 and 4 should denote something very significant, or else they produce confusion. To clarify, lines 1 and 2 seem to be separated by a break of some kind, even if related, while lines 3 and 4 are connected, as if one sentence. Of course, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, only that it should be done carefully and purposefully (even if your purpose is simply to "unbalance" the reader).
Well anyway, I enjoyed the read even if some of it escaped my grasp, hopefully my feedback can be of some use to you or at least something to think about. |
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