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I need a drink
Contributed by
dthomas89
on
Thursday, 4th February 2010 @ 01:23:29 AM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
Pour me vodka
Give me gin
How much more can I drink
Before I'm commiting sin
My dependance has become
A firey rage
For booze is the animal
And I am meat in the cage
God help me
From this evil curse
A morning shot of whisky
It can't get any worst
Skies have darkened
And my bridges are burned
Way past a point
With no lesson learned
My throat is raw
For I have paid the toll
For alcohol to soak
The soul of my soul
Free me from these bonds
Which hold me so strong
One more bottle
And it won't be long
An alcoholic never wonders
They rarely stop to think
For when its time for thinking
I think I'll have a drink
Copyright ©
dthomas89
... [
2010-02-04 01:23:29]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: I need a drink
(User Rating: 1 )
by Prism on
Thursday, 4th February 2010 @ 02:07:34 AM AEST
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a Message)
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I'm an alcoholic, for the poems sake, the first stanza is fine, the second has inconsistant imagry, fire compared to booze in a cage? Ignore the first part, I like fire in the cage, animals need the energy like you need the booze. But why evoke God? Stick with the powerful image of you needing the drink like a lion needs its next meal.
Third stanza is very powerful, the 5th? Come on, tell me the repetition of soul doesnt bother you... The core of my soul? unless your talking about the soul of your foot, do not mention the double soul, its just bothersome to the ear.
The last two stanzas are magnificent. Please take my critisisms with a grain of sald, I loved your poem, I'm honestly trying to improve it
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Re: I need a drink
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 4th February 2010 @ 02:40:25 AM AEST
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Well I love this poem through and through
any one who has ever had too much to drink
knows you may ramble in and out of pattern almost randomly
the last time I got embarrassingly intoxicated on booze
I said a prayer in my drunken state, because alcoholism is a dark place
and in darkness their is no light
hence asking for strength to find the light
sometimes elbaborate word schemes nullify the point being coveyed
and simplicity when fighting evil is warranted
This was truly a brave passage,I wouldn't change a thing
for truth doesn't need to be tamed
-D.Truth |
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Re: I need a drink
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Thursday, 4th February 2010 @ 10:35:52 AM AEST
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I am by no means a critic nor do I even consider myself qualified to be one. After all, isn't this simply put, an amateur site? However, if spelling is any qualification to be a critic, then I already have my foot in the door because I certainly know how to spell imagery, know the difference between your and you're, and absolutely have no idea what sald is supposed to be. I looked it up in Merriam / Webster and could not find it.
However, after that is all said. Keep writing for you. Do you think Shakespeare or E.E. C.ummings sat and thought about how many rules they should be following? It's your poetry, write it the way you want to and not how someone else feels you should be writing it. You're the only one that knows your thoughts and your feelings. Certainly no critic knows that. Even though some may think they know what is in your mind, they do not know!
People ask God for help all the time and I hope he helps you through this. If that is where you seek strength, then seek it.
Take care of you and keep up the good work.
Tim
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Re: I need a drink
(User Rating: 1 )
by laststarontheleft on
Thursday, 4th February 2010 @ 04:09:56 PM AEST
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Bravo!
This write is absolutely brilliant, and I understood in my own way what you meant
when you versed this part:-
My dependance has become
A firey rage
For booze is the animal
And I am meat in the cage
I agree totally with what Tim said. People can't possibly know your individual thoughts
whilst creating your poetry, and it means what it means to YOU at the time.
That's what poetry is all about!
Well done, a fantastic write x
Star x x x
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Re: I need a drink
(User Rating: 1 )
by rambo56 on
Friday, 28th May 2010 @ 06:20:42 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| good poem nice write |
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