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To G.I.L (2)
Contributed by
BONEZ
on
Saturday, 30th January 2010 @ 06:22:26 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
Like thorns on a rose, your words they cut deep.
But they can also soothe and lull me to sleep.
The sound of your voice is a distant memory,
That plays in my head like a sweet melody.
Over and over I hear it again,
Soft and discrete, that voice on the wind.
You left me forever, never to return,
As I sit in the ashes of yet another bridge burned.
But my love for you will always remain,
Steady and true, always the same.
And I know one day you will finally see,
We are perfect together, you and me.
And when we have both grown wrinkled and old,
I’ll be the one to shelter you from the cold.
I’ll hold you tight and never let go,
And warm your heart from the world’s cruel snow.
And though waves of life will toss us to and fro,
You’ll be in my heart forever, that’s all I want you to know
Copyright ©
BONEZ
... [
2010-01-30 18:22:26]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: To G.I.L (2)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Prism on
Sunday, 31st January 2010 @ 01:30:43 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| Here's feedback, to be honest I didnt read it all. You lost me after you rhymed the first 2 stanzas but not the third. You need a comma after words in the first line. It's bad to start a sentence with but, its better to just put a comma after the first line and splice the sentences together because together they form an interesting idea. Dont capitalize the first word in every line unless theres a reason your calling attention to that word. You wouldn't randomly capitalize words in the middle of a sentence and thats what those words are; words in the middle of a sentence. |
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Re: To G.I.L (2)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fuzzy on
Sunday, 31st January 2010 @ 02:01:55 AM AEST
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a Message)
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For me this is well written, write on my friend.
some rules are made to be broken, EE *****s
broke most of them.
Take care
Fuzzy |
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Re: To G.I.L (2)
(User Rating: 1 )
by Fuzzy on
Sunday, 31st January 2010 @ 02:05:10 AM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
Think the word filter has gone mad, when i can't quote a name of a poet?
Take care Fuzzy |
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