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The one truth
Contributed by
minipaint
on
Thursday, 21st January 2010 @ 03:55:38 PM in AEST
Topic:
Grief
|
Today I was asked to smile,
I chose not to.
I have nothing to smile about,
And no one to smile for,
No good could come of it.
I chose not to smile.
Today I was told to smile,
I refused.
I would go against anyone,
If it meant not going against myself.
I have nothing to smile about,
And no one to smile for.
What good could come of it?
I refused to smile.
Today I was forced to smile,
I’m losing the battle.
Under threat of social exile,
I beamed out at the world,
And the world beamed back at me.
Everyone looked so happy,
I have never felt so sick,
But the war rages on.
Today I wanted to smile.
Everything seemed much brighter,
I wanted to beam out at the world,
A sincere grin in a sea of lies.
I now have something the smile about.
I’ve found people worth smiling for.
Today I wanted to smile,
And I couldn’t.
Copyright ©
minipaint
... [
2010-01-21 15:55:38]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: The one truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by jenniferstein2006 on
Thursday, 21st January 2010 @ 10:00:01 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| wow this really said alot...great poem! |
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Re: The one truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by Prism on
Thursday, 21st January 2010 @ 10:10:15 PM AEST
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a Message)
|
If thoughts you'd like thoughts you shall have. This is an excellent idea and flows very nicely. My critiques are minor, keep in mind that I like it a lot.
I love how in each stanza the meaning of the second line is repeated in the last line. There should always be a reaon why when lines abrutly change in length, the first two stanzas seem to have reason, the refusal to conform. Those lines are different to mirror the sentiment they represent. I wished the fourth stanza's last line mirrored the second as much as the previous three had. Feelings of a brighter world is replaced with finding people who are worth effort. Perhaps those people should be alluded to in the second line?
What bothers me the most is that there's no hints to show why you couldn't smile in the end, you know your happiness is true and you have people you want to express it to, why the halt? Is it perhaps an old habit of refusing to conform? I dont know but I want to.
Once again, I like it. ^^
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Re: The one truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by fallensaint on
Friday, 22nd January 2010 @ 07:00:07 AM AEST
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I really like the way you wrote this poem.
And for this being ur first poem, I am VERY impressed!!!! |
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Re: The one truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by purplestary on
Friday, 22nd January 2010 @ 11:31:21 PM AEST
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| I loved this poem! and, for it being your first poem, WOW! I don't agree with prism. I liked everything about it. and I know why at the end you couldn't smile. you go so long with nothing to smile for, and in such a dark place you can't always break a habit.(even harder when forced to break it when you didn't feel like smileing.) |
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Re: The one truth
(User Rating: 1 )
by Moss on
Saturday, 23rd January 2010 @ 08:48:56 AM AEST
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a Message)
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| this is a really good poem especially if its your first |
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