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Unfinished
Contributed by
ToxicityOfTheCity
on
Friday, 11th December 2009 @ 10:54:50 AM in AEST
Topic:
abstract
|
Battered and broken, Time’s forgotten token
Gravity shifts, trepidation rises
Vertigo takes over, bends will and pride
Eyes glaze, worlds collide
This isn’t finished
Diminished sense of self
One can become, transform, elongate to crucify
Tarnish to rust to ash and dust
Warring forces, infinity versus mortality
Humanity builds, nature endures
Copyright ©
ToxicityOfTheCity
... [
2009-12-11 10:54:50]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Unfinished
(User Rating: 1 )
by laststarontheleft on
Friday, 11th December 2009 @ 01:02:20 PM AEST
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a Message)
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this is very good indeed, but I do see
what you mean, there's something
missing around diminished sense of self, even just a word or two, going by your usual style. I hope that wasn' rude of me x
Brilliant write all the same!
Star x x x |
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Re: Unfinished
(User Rating: 1 )
by ToxicityOfTheCity on
Friday, 11th December 2009 @ 08:56:17 PM AEST
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a Message)
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Totally not rude! I like criticism. I can admit when something isn't right. Thank you, I appreciate it!
xxxx
--Tox |
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Re: Unfinished
(User Rating: 1 )
by shelby on
Saturday, 12th December 2009 @ 02:02:08 AM AEST
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a Message)
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To me it stands on its own the way it is.
Kind of like thoughts racing and ending abruptly only to begin again..... Does that make sense? I love it....... My mind is racing alot lately, this fits.
Back to finish my beer
Have a good night
Michelle |
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Re: Unfinished
(User Rating: 1 )
by Aspirant on
Tuesday, 15th December 2009 @ 01:12:11 AM AEST
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| If you don't mind me saying, I think the most interesting part of this poem (to me) might be what's missing. It feels as if there is some core idea that isn't clearly in the lines, and an obvious placeholder left where it might go. Pondering what that concept might be allows for a huge multiplicity of meanings to be drawn from the poem, and also raises the question -- why do we sense its presence at all? |
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Re: Unfinished
(User Rating: 1 )
by adub1138 on
Tuesday, 15th December 2009 @ 06:37:59 PM AEST
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Here's something.
I think that it seems like the beginning of three different poems. Its like they could be a cycle of poems (using theses as openings for three different poems). Am I crazy? Well more so than usual.
BTW, this tells you how much I know about poetry I wouldn't have missed a beat if you hadn't said something. |
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