The opening tears
Contributed by
holy
on
Monday, 19th October 2009 @ 12:45:10 AM in AEST
Topic:
EmotionalPoetry
|
The opening tears
On a summer evening in August, the sunset was setting on the red colored sky too thickly. The red made us think of a splinter and wound. The grey and blue clouds just like the dirty and piecemeal cotton were banking up in the wound of the sky, going to stop the blood flowing out, The thunderous winds made air more and more ice blue.
I knew XiaoZe on such a bad day......
In a bar, we were having a birthday party for one friend. He sat opposite me; ice blue T-shirt, white cotton pants, what a dapper and clean man! His hair covered the corner of his eyes and ears, the eyes had a little sadness when he was calm, he had nippy lip lines, he had a good look and looks very handsome.
Sometimes, he smiled, of course, only sometimes. He didn't like to speak. I could see the ice blue under his serious eyes, it might be his life impression.
The sunset was still giving the red blood, the clouds were blown away by the wind, the wound in the sky was still flowing......
The shadow of the sunset was just a flower opening in the wind, going through the bright French casement to Xiaoze's eyes: what a beautiful flower!
I lived in the same city but a different corner from Xiaoze, he was one year younger than me, a fresh student in his Second years of high school, he had to face the heavy duties and the constant chatter from his parents and teachers. But I had passed into a good university in the city to study Chinese.
When I was going to university in the end of this summer, I parted with my tall boyfriend, he was my first love but I was not his ultimate love, he left me quickly just he loved me. Oh, yes, he was the most handsome boy I had met, but he had a stolid heart, the girl he had loved is frozen by his emotion.
I cried just like a toy for my eyes had been lost, I cried and cried all day long, whenever the long afternoon, evening, night, cloudy day, rainy day, or fine day, I cried for he had fiddled away my pure love. He said sorry to me, he sent me many messages to explain his reason, all these might be just a step in the end of love.
My sole proud boast was I had never cried before him, and he didn't know my crying look.
I was not in love with him, I cried just for my first love, I cried all through two months.
Winter came to the most beautiful street of the city in November. On weekends, I liked to watch the sight outside through the window of the school bus. there was the quiet and grey sky above the street, the cloud covered it well, no wound, no blood, no pain, only the withered leaves were flying or lying on the ground with different poses.
Whenever I returned home, I liked to play computer. unexpectedly, I met many friends whom I had met in August once again in a chat room, the list included XiaoZe's name.
I felt we came back to the wonderful time, we almost seized the whole screen of the chat room when getting together.
I felt happy with the noise.
XiaoZe and I were the same to wear a mask in the chat room, we hid our pain and sorrow in our soul and souls, we just showed the happy and sunny words, everybody would think we were simple and happy, there would be no sadness with our happiness.
Inevitably, we talked about love. XiaoZe told me he just parted with his girlfriend, I told him I had left my boyfriend who was my first love.
" How are you? Sister." he ask me with great care.
I would never cry again for my first love. I smiled:" Don't worry, I am ok. I have forgotten him."
He was silent for a moment, then began his words:" Oh. Sister, let me join in your QQ now, ok?"
" Welcome." I smiled, then his name show me in the list of my friends.
XiaoZe's user name was ice-blue wind. At that moment, it struck me that I was blown by a cool wind.
He talked with many friends, nobody could see any sad in him.
But he put his mask away on QQ:" I am not happy now, I don't know what I live for, what is the meaning of life? Can you tell me where the meaning of my life is?"
"The girl I loved, we met in August too, I loved her very much, but I had to leave her. Because I was afraid if I would love her more and more when we had to part. Yes, destiny is sometimes cruel."
"Now, I feel bored. Oh, no, it doesn't mean to talk with you, nice talking to you.I am just in no mood, you can understand me, yes? "
"When will you be off line? Can you stay with me? Oh. Haha, I can't say you understand me, but we have a many common seamy sides."
"......"
I stared at the screen, I thought he was ill, he just like a boy living behind flowers, happiness was passing before him, but left him a shadow in the moment.
I tried to solace his grief, but the words I typed were all the same grey like his, I told him with Annie's words: " This is a time of farewell, we live for the beautiful memories."
I started to read Annie in the winter, 2001, the first article I read was . The colorful and cloudily words was just like the English memory, they were the livid and silent water in the bush, covering with the pink and white flowers.
I loved Annie's words just in the moment. At that moment, I had a crush on the illusion of glistening light of waves, I felt the illusion was desorbing the cool wind, going through my heart.
The ice blue wind was blowing through the bush......
Granted I was a girl living in Annie's words and my fantasy, I kept an unsurpassable distance from many people living in the world with fire trees and silver flowers, many of my friends thought I was too pure to live in the world. However, there was always the nobler sadness showing on my face.
They thought I should have a boyfriend like XiaoZe with such a expression and temperament, the clean ice blue color could cover the dust and clouding of me, and his decadence and sadness could understand the depression in my deep heart.
I loved Annie above all the boy, her words always sang in my soul, turning into cheery blossom, rose, and fleur-de-leis, changed into the withdrew and lonely love.
Since I left my first love, I had made friends with many boys. In nets, on earth, I changed boyfriends one by one. Initially, my good friends told me they felt sad when I was happy to take advantage of those boyfriends, but later, they talked me out of doing it when they saw I was too insensitive, they wrote me some Christmas cards with the words: we hope you will soon cover and take your adrift heart back. I knew they were all friendly with me. Looking at the words, I suddenly laughed hysterically, the laughter went straight and clear in my bedroom, I was full of sadness at the end.
I remembered some words a girl had said, you could be moved anywhere, but you would be aching for the only one. The game was what switched me on, but the consequence was that I lost my desire for love. Quite a while, I was indisposed for any boy, although I still got together with them.
When they told me they loved me, I just smiled. I didn't believe them all, I felt they would cheat and hurt me. What they were saying was blasphemy! I hated to cheat!
But, in a sense, it was not honorable to deceive them, I regretted my ignorance on the subject, feeling very sad.
A girl, there were all the parting in her eyes, and all the aching in her hands. How did I control myself? I couldn't calm down.
I knew I was ill, I had a bad headache and my nose ran a lot. I couldn't think, love made my mind a complete turmoil, I was not sure I could love a boy with my whole heart again, I would turn older and older with the following days.
I believed XiaoZe was very different from them, for he looked me just his dear sister, he was just like my dear brother. He liked me, I liked him too, we were not in love with each other, our emotion was as pour as the cheery blossom. Ah, how nice!
One evening, I was listening to hip-hop of Korea in my bedroom. Unexpectedly, I got a call from XiaoZe, we talked the heavy-flooded school life just like two old friends.
He had a crunchy and fresh voice, that was his sunny side.
" Sister, have you had dinner? Why did you turn off your cell phone this afternoon? Were you having classes? " He asked me why I stayed in the bed room at that moment, guessing if I was skipping class, " I bought a tape of rock and roll this afternoon, but I can't remember the names of its singer and band now." At the end, he told me he was going to study Chinese, " Your profession now is just what I was dreaming." I could hear his laughter very clearly.
Suddenly, I stopped myself with the phone in my hand. He told me he wanted to study Chinese for he liked it very much, it turned out that me half month ago. At that time, my whole dream and happiness was to go to this school to study Chinese, Annie excepted, all things turned to green light for the idea. But when I had gone to this school, I found all was just what GeSang said, decay time was coming, I didn't know what to do, my interests were a world away from Hollywood, I felt lost.
Perhaps, I didn't have the heart to tell him the bed news. Perhaps, I wouldn't like to hear his disappointed voice. Perhaps, I was afraid if I would see his eyes curiously staring at me......
I didn't talk him to leave this profession. I didn't want him to think I should let him down, I didn't want to throw cold water on him, and I hope he wouldn't see my hard eyes, even I hope he thought his favorite profession wouldn't be far away from his dream. He should be the happiness boy holding his small blessedness and big dreams, let him try that on for size to realize everything with his experienced dreams and accomplished pain.
I hoped that all his effort would not go for naught two years hence, and I hoped I would try to keep up my ideals.
Yes, we wouldn't breeze our favorite things in that cold winter.
There was no storm in the winter.
The cold wind might pass by there at that time, the sunset wound was covered tightly by the grey cloud, no pain, no sorrow, only some lonely and homeless sadness there.
The young boys and girls were holding their ice blue dreams, going through the noise school, feeling very warm.
A silent afternoon, XiaoZe was sitting in a stairs bar with me. We were drinking the free and running fruit tea, his voice was very soft just like the brilliantly clear juice.
I looked at his ice blue and loose coat, I looked at his seriously eyes under his black hair, thinking how nice if he were the boyfriend I would be loving. We were both sick kids, we were ill and love each other, our love was filled with the ice blue scars, some white cheery blossoms were covering on it with the sadness of gentility.
XiaoZe was certain to love the ice blue, but I didn't tell him my favorite color was ice blue too.
The transparent class teapot was precipitating the colorful warmth shining with every hue under the alcohol light.
XiaoZe said:" Sister, I am sorry. I was too selfish to make you my girlfriend that day I parted with my first girlfriend. Please forgive me for my impulse, ok? "
I looked at this melancholy and pure boy, smiling. I said: " XiaoZe, I can understand you. It's for you were very lost. You needed a attestation, and it's necessary to get some warm emotion from a girl, what you wanted was a feeling, it's not important who the girl was."
He blushed to look at me first, then to mixed the juice with bowed head, he said: " Sister. In fact, I am one year younger than you, I don't want to carry a millstone round my neck to call you sister again. Can we be the friends of talking with each other? "
His eyes became more serious when he lifted his head, they were full of perverseness like the sun up and down, they stopped me to deny his anything.
I answered him: " Ok. we are good friend."
XiaoZe smiled, His smiling expression was popping the piecemeal beauty and bright, all is ice clue.
I said to myself, I was his good friend and could talk everything with him, we would never fall in love with each other, how nice!
No love, no wound. Leaving seemed the wind passing on our way and always bestowed us free time.
The street lights were standing in a row, we waved our hands to each other under the brilliant light.
I didn't like the valediction under the light, for it's XiaoZe my good friend, for Gesang said, sometimes to leave under street lights wouldn't return.
I told XiaoZe my home phone number, he couldn't find a paper, so he took out a paper money to write it down carefully.
My heart was not comfortable, like full of wet cotton, telling him not to use memory to write anything once again.
He didn't hesitate to smile, and said: " Ok. I will copy them into my notebook when I get home."
He would never know why I revolted such conduct. I remembered a story in ZhangYueRan's novel, a lovely and pretty boy named Hui killed by a Taxi driver, for he wanted to protect a ten Yuan bill that left his girlfriend's phone number, his last act was to spread the bill when he went to heaven, to remember the number.
I was not superstitious, but I believed in predestination, I believed there was the hermetic and strong power from the unseen world could control our lonely earth.
Fortunately, XiaoZe was not the boy I loved. I had never dream of allowing my boyfriend to write my phone number on any paper money, I didn't want to see death, I didn't like to see blood, if it meant the flowing and lonely blood could grow the ice blue flowers.
Packing off XiaoZe to his home, I walked alone on the beautiful street, The chill of winter be splashed my blue jeans with needlework.
Looking up, there was no sunset in the sky. No escape blood, no wound in the sky, but wind blowing over the crowd, flying like the piecemeal flowers.
From then on it's a long time no see XiaoZe, and my friends left me away one by one, my mood was still the familiar loneliness.
On the first evening of the holidays on New Year's day, XiaoZe reached me on QQ.
I was surprised at his sudden appearance, we talked for a long time. all what we talked was still the words about sadness, aching, love, reality......
XiaoZe said: " Haha, it was really sad when happiness ran away from me."
I typed a Haha too, I said: "We are the children of in the mass are pretty much alike."
He continued: "I don't know why, I am always naked before you, you can see any my sadness. I like myself before you, I have special feeling talking with you."
I smiled and let it go. He often liked to say something perceptual, I was used to these words.
I reminded myself what he need was comfort, not love.
The following night, he was always on time for talk. He said he knew I was there, so he came.
His words were always swayed me, but I always faced the screen with smile to type Haha.
Well, that's it. Even if I loved somebody, I could scarcely to tell him my love. If I told, it came from my not so seriousness.
I couldn't remember when was the beginning he asked me how many friends I was talking with. When he knew he had plenty of company, he told me he didn't like to share me with somebody with half kidding and half seriousness. When I said he was just like a child, he told me seriously: " It just won't do! You don't leave me alone until two o'clock at night. My name is XiaoZe, I am eighteen years old. I am a adult, you shouldn't look me as your younger brother."
It should be mentioned that XiaoZe was the boy girls were fond of. He was a useful member of the basketball team in his school, he was more sunshiny in real life than in a network, and busying in receiving his love letters. Such a boy he was a good talker, he was somebody one warmed to easily.
Every time, he was exposed to the light of day by me:" What a smart boy! What for dinner? sugar candy with cola? Haha."
He couldn't get my words away but to tell me I was a cruel assassin.
Really, I hardly knew what shadow was in his soul. I guessed there was a lovely girl he loved most in his heart, and they had parted. But, whenever I asked it, he always gave a diversion to make me forget the main point. That night, perhaps he was too excited to type a long long message, he wrote to me:" In fact, my two arms is holding repentance and emptiness. Who can I love? I can't love anyone any more. Haha, is it sad? if we will feel very very sad like without air when we have to leave our love? Why I was arrested on some trumped-up charge like puppy love of eighteen year old? Can you tell me how come my parents take my love right from me? I had thought the love holding in my hand was my happiness, I found it was a pity to give up the love. For love, we can't understand how to accept or reject, we always idled our precious time first, then to turn back for finding the irremeably figure. Indeed I shouldn't did just that......, what a real pity! regretful thing in the world cannot return!"
His description was too general to be of much use, but had get the picture.
I said:" You meant that your parents and reality break your love with your girlfriend, yes?"
He said:" It's about the size of it. It's so good not to put too fine and edge upon it! Really, you are very good, I am glad knowing you."
I thought we could let it go at that, he looked me like his closer friend, we could talk with each other for getting some soft words. I found it was not easy for my thoughts until New Year's eve.
On New Year's eve, he sent me a video request. He told me he wanted to sing a song for me, I accepted. But it was not succeed for our firewalls were different.
"It's a pity, really a pity!" he said, " You can't hear the most wonderful sound in the world."
"Yes! Yes! " I smiled.
He was surprised: " You hardly hear of my voice. Why do you remember? "
I told him: " I am sensing with your voice." But I didn't tell him, his voice was best like the water of mountain stream, I was impressed by his voice.
He was comfortable and could help but to give Haha:" Haha! It is say I have lovely figure in your mind? Why did you refuse my demand again and again? "
I typed a Haha too: " What you want is love, we are not in the cards."
He had nothing to say. Later, we talked about music. He told me his favorite singer was SuZhe, his favorite song was OVERSHOOT, I said: " Opportunely, I like Overshot only in all his song. "
" Will you return to love if I sing the song to you? " he asked me.
I couldn't know how was my expression and thoughts at that moment. I believed some time I decided to accept him, but we were both love lazar, we were confusing what were our necessity from each other living in undying wound and pain.
He sent me his personal website. I came full of circle to the website. He was make fun of me: " Oh no! I am ever so sorry! You are no longer obtainable."
A over exquisite website, black sky and brilliant stars, the song with a short, simple melody. Looking at the merry words he introduced himself, my eyes moistened slightly. The familiar pain and sorrow surged past me suddenly, isn't he a frail and cute boy!
His show-off only served to show up his past shadow. He wrote: " I am so sorry, Ying. please forgive me, forgive my leaving. I know you love me very much, I also know how I feel. But I can't. It's a fact of life and you must face it, so I think it's just a understanding we have to give up our position. At the very least it will avoided a bad injury. Really, I am really sorry, please forgive me!"
Ying should be the girl he loved best.
I didn't ask anything about Ying. I said:" Our dreams are all the same, coffee shop!"
He laughed: " Haha, set up a shop? It turns out you a bad halfpenny as me."
" This is a nice dream. all the songs in your music room are my favorite kind of songs." I smiled.
" Yes? I know you love them very much. It looks like we have all agreed. Haha, if we live together, we will be the happiest people." it sounded he was very happy.
I was in a silence when I saw the last words. I could image his expression in distance, his smile was very clean and limpid as mountain stream.
For a while, I said to him, " Go to see the messages. I have a word for you. "
" Haha, did you scold me? Let me have a look. " he said.
" How can I scold you? " I smiled.
I was struck by the word: We are all of a kind. If we can't remember, we will suffer from periods of oblivion.
He experienced a loss after he read it. He said: " It drives me to despair. Your words always make me chill. Haha...... "
I thought he felt a certain indisposition to face reality, he preferred to be a skulker for covering his wounds.
I said: " We are all the same. XiaoZe, there is a morrow between us both, the optical impression and the true image are similar at the whole, but we can't near by. Do you understand? "
He said: " There will be nothing when the mirror is broken, yes? Haha, it is really cruel of you to make a fool of me. "
It was unexpected that my meaning didn't come across. Before, I thought he could understand me, but I didn't know he had reached the very point.
I shall never forget that moment he left me alone.
When I was going, he said to me suddenly: " I will forget the past. Haha, even you."
Even now when I think about it I feel pain in my heart. I said; " No! I won't you leave me alone. "
My typing hands shook constantly. XiaoZe was a complex boy who loved to be alone, and he could lulled some girls into a false sense of security. But there was only an idea popped into my mind like a flash at the time, I couldn't let him go.
I was afraid to lose him. He was not a strong boy, he was clean and weak as a glass slivered when it fell, even if he was very nice.
He said nothing but a sorry.
I said, " You always like to leave in before anyone else, is this just your ability of defending yourself? "
For a while, he sent to me, " Sorry. I am really sorry. You are in the list of my strangers already, because I will, I will love you at once! I am weeping bitter tears over my lost you, do you believe? "
I hardly got a chance to type. By burying, I just managed to send him my words, I was afraid if he would be offline soon, " Ok. I let you go. A nice place to leave away from! It's crazy of you to have done such a thing! Once and for all, you are taking no chances, you didn't mean to do it, I won't blame you. I can understand, thank you for bringing me the gift for my birthday of nineteen years old. At one time or another, I was really falling in love with you. "
It's only the word he sent to me, " You......"
I was offline at once and turned off my computer. I was on the verge of tears.
The next morning, I met him in the chat room we often went to. As if he lay awake all night long. I used a new user name " No place to wave my hand " to talk with him. He told me " Tears loomed ahead as hand " . He said she was one of the most important people in his network life. He edited the best scent out and deleted her at a moment. He could feel her love. She would be his company all the time. In his heat, in his mind, he would put her in a corner of his life.
I wanted to stop him, but my eyes was brimming with tears.
But my tears didn't drop down until he left.
The following days, I always turned our chat record out to taste, reading them again and again. Every time, tears made me flushing of cheeks, I was damned to perdition with my heart filled with wounds.
I was sure I lost him forever. What a poor girl! Nobody would come and tell me, " Are you still here? I won't go until you leave me alone. "
And nobody would tell me once again, " Oh, no! My love is commonplace, my happiness is clean and simple. For you, it's a acceptant matter. "
And nobody would say to me, " It's not good to grow older! Let me take care of you and always looking you as a little girl. "
And nobody would come to see me again, " Haha, will you feel lonely when you are alone? I am your greatest company always. "
And nobody would come to urge me again and again, " Remember, you should choose rainy day for tears. So, nobody can see. "
......
The man, understanding me a lot, he vanished in the crowd. Maybe we will never meet again. Maybe there will never have him around me in my following life.
I see with my tears, it proved that I am still falling in love with him. But, I can't help myself at the moment. Forever...... No more.......I have lost him forever.
What is it at last? Nobody understood me but you. We were not the one who loved best. But at a moment, we were falling in love with each other. You were the only man to make me excited to tears. You were always a little boy making me aching. Of course, child as I was.
My dear full! Any full could tell you that, all our effort went for nothing. All and all, are all the characters in this book imaginary? or fantastical?
The elegant wild wind, do you remember? the girl you had ever loved, you called her Tears. Do you feel? the tears of Tears are drifting in the ice blue wind.
She will remember your voice forever. It's clean and sad as a wandering star. Sometime the following years, if she forgets your face, she will still remember you voice, as before...... all along...... never forget!
Copyright ©
holy
... [
2009-10-19 00:45:10]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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