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Untitled
Contributed by
Live2Die
on
Friday, 16th October 2009 @ 08:38:43 PM in AEST
Topic:
oops
|
X-boxes and computers are not currency for
love—stories of childhood and regret are
not exchangeable for
affection, not when the memories, that stand as
mementos of years gone by, are of yelling and
screaming – “How dare you call me
dad in public?” –
my recollections stir and twist and all i
see are your hands spilling boiling
coffee and my crimson
arm, your awkward form fumbling through a
closet of jean skirts and the resounding
confusion – why are you wearing
women’s clothes? – that has never
really been resolved, like a story missing its
climax—but, maybe the pages of this book are blank
on purpose.
Copyright ©
Live2Die
... [
2009-10-16 20:38:43]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by northernlights on
Friday, 16th October 2009 @ 10:26:50 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| Can feel alot of pain and confusion from this poem and I know that living with blank pages just adds to this.I am inspired by those who write their own pages whilst learning to live without the foundation of what should have been in their childhood. |
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by iodinelove on
Friday, 16th October 2009 @ 10:28:23 PM AEST
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It's good, but i think the form will detract from the emotional response of the reader. It feels a little bit too busy and it's hard to find meaning in it.
Perhaps remove the quotations and only use -- where it's necessary. You're using it parenthetically, I understand that, but where you're using quotations it's not really necessary and it makes the piece look cluttered.
Try placing the quoted parts on their own separate line. It'll clean the piece up and give them more power, which is what you need. Your father needs to be the outgoing subject of the piece in order to get the point across properly. |
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Re: Untitled
(User Rating: 1 )
by Live2Die on
Monday, 24th May 2010 @ 07:22:22 PM AEST
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a Message)
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| thanks for the comments guys, it definitely needs a lot of work but at least it has the gist of what I wanted to express. |
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