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IF I COULD.
Contributed by
TsunamiWaverider
on
Wednesday, 16th September 2009 @ 10:23:54 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
If i could lay with you, just one time
and feel your heart beat next to mine
and wrap my arms around you
and draw you close to me,
and if i could feel your warm embrace
and gaze upon your gorgeous face
and feel your passion start to rise
how ecstatic i would be.
If i could make sweet love to you
do anything you want me to
and have you moan and sigh my name
that would be really sweet,
but if i could watch you fall asleep
and listen to you breathing deep
and have you cradled in my arms
my life would be complete.
J.Kent. 17/2/2003 ©
Copyright ©
TsunamiWaverider
... [
2009-09-16 22:23:54]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: IF I COULD.
(User Rating: 1 )
by christinalwk on
Wednesday, 16th September 2009 @ 11:37:40 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
|
I quite like this... honest and to the point, but not overly blunt. The only thing I would suggest is working on the rhyming, because there are a few couplets that rhyme and a lot that don't. Fantastic work though!!!
~~christinalwk |
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Re: IF I COULD.
(User Rating: 1 )
by Loende on
Thursday, 17th September 2009 @ 06:35:25 PM AEST
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Info | Send
a Message)
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| A bit simplistic and left me with no real attachment to the work. I think you should try to grow more and explore more than these simple kind of rhyming schemes. If you had done that, I might have engaged more with the piece, since it's of an engaging topic. |
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