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Clarify to a True Love
Contributed by
memey
on
Saturday, 15th August 2009 @ 03:06:24 PM in AEST
Topic:
LovePoetry
|
While my soul was in magical warm venue…
Inside your precious heart… touching your gentle soul…
While my heart beat so fast … beats of passionate love …
And every tiny cell of me was moved by your sensuous touch…
While my bones melt inside your warm arms,
And the senses of your smooth kiss…
While the wall around my heart falling apart…
And everything becomes clear in the blast…
While I felt so complete… so blessed,
A question been asked!
U asked how I feel…
Sweetheart, it's a feeling no word can describe…
As what I feel is so real…
Copyright ©
memey
... [
2009-08-15 15:06:24]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: Clarify to a True Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Saturday, 15th August 2009 @ 04:13:11 PM AEST
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a Message)
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You know, this was fairly decent until you went into that text message mode.
Feelings seem genuine. Sorry, I just feel the text abbreviations should stay on the cell phone. Poetry has finesse, a tradition to uphold and a pride in my work thing. That's almost like a blemish and you took from those genuine feelings when you decided to take a short cut from typing two more letters.
Take care,
Tim
(who means no disrespect; only that you have potential and could have done much better) |
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Re: Clarify to a True Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by orphani on
Saturday, 15th August 2009 @ 05:46:53 PM AEST
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disagree with Tim about the abrevs.
i think it's all fair game.
As far as doing better, i agree.
we all can do that.
As far as last three lines
more depth achieved with a discription
of the feeling
bone melting is good metaphor
as are others.
o |
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Re: Clarify to a True Love
(User Rating: 1 )
by Mars on
Saturday, 15th August 2009 @ 09:49:39 PM AEST
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I will have to agree with Tim on this one. I saw what might have been a flavor of true passion, but I feel that your abbreviation brings the shades of impromptu text messaging. I feel that it takes a huge chunk out of the truthfulness and credibility of emotion. If your love was so important to you, could you have spared the time to type two more letters?
I would expect something so important to you to prompt a little tentativeness.
In all truthfulness, I think it really hurts the poem. |
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