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CHEAP SLEEK LINES
Contributed by
OratileMochoba
on
Monday, 10th August 2009 @ 10:22:11 AM in AEST
Topic:
DarkPoetry
|
Wishing Against Wish
No True, a 2 it would have been
Lord of Word
Through this Window I stand a Widow of My own Word
Busy Bones shivering in cold Love
it is COLD unconfortableness
Pinacle of feeling
Anckle of Love
Sojourned by our Undying affection
HuH!,I never told my Uncle this...
Sprawling and crawling across the passage of thought
Questioning the musturbated and most debated
Birth of my Breathe in the Death of Love..
Copyright ©
OratileMochoba
... [
2009-08-10 10:22:11]
(Date/Time posted on
site)
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Re: CHEAP SLEEK LINES
(User Rating: 1 )
by lesoleilnoire on
Monday, 10th August 2009 @ 11:13:23 AM AEST
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a Message)
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Nicely written. You convey the death of love exquisitely with incredible accuracy.
--Heidi |
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Re: CHEAP SLEEK LINES
(User Rating: 1 )
by Former_Member on
Tuesday, 11th August 2009 @ 06:32:06 AM AEST
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To be honest, this poem is good. Not great, but good. HOWEVER (before you become crushed by my tiny iota of criticism) you have obviously got potential. This poem was a little wild; words strewn about everywhere like knocked-over baked-bean tins in a supermarket. But if you can get some semblance of control and structure to your writing, you can be brilliant. Don't strangle it, just let your writing flow and tell the story.
-Phil |
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